Tuesday, August 13, 2013

that moment when things you hate actually work for you


I've never been a fan of charting my moods.   It just hasn't worked much for me.   When my bipolar was new, and more turbulent, it was hard for me to focus enough on life, not to mention my moods.   I couldn't make sense of anything.  I couldn't keep track of things.


That was a long time ago, and I have learned a great deal about my illness since then.   I also have medication that works well for me, and that makes a huge difference.  My workplace has a new online self help portal about depression and anxiety.   My boss asked me to use this self help portal myself, so that I would be able to discuss it with people at my agency.

When I saw the dreaded 'mood chart' my mind began to close off.   But this one was slightly different.   This one is more of a mood and activity chart.    In this self help portal, they described it as a way to be 'mindful' about how we live our lives.   They explained that often we are on 'auto-pilot' when it comes to the day to day of our lives.   We do many things without thinking about them.   We are usually thinking about other stuff.   The theory behind this activity and mood chart is to make note of your activities throughout one week, to start.   You write down all of your activities for the day, and then you make note of your mood and the intensity of your mood.   The particular self help portal that my workplace uses has an online version of this chart, so that it is easy to just put in your activities and your moods.

Still, I was skeptical.    I have been 'well' for many years.   I function well with bipolar.   I have learned how to manage with my illness.   I don't need a mood tracker.   I don't need to track my activities, because I work and I am out there in life.  At least, that is what I told myself.
But the truth is, depression still gets to me.

I have been depressed now for about 3 weeks.    It is mild depression.   And that is one of the world's biggest oxymoronic phrases.  Mild depression.    Even mild depression can kick your ass.   At least, it kicks mine.   Repeatedly.

Now when I say I am well and that I live and function well with depression or mania, I mean that I have learned to tolerate it.   I still hate it, especially depression, and I suffer a lot while I deal with it.   It makes everything seem so much harder.    I muddle through it and have learned some tricks to alleviate it somewhat.   But I had not noticed that I still do things that feed my depression.   I was unaware of the 'auto-pilot' effect of my day to day activities and how that ties into depression.

I had to do the mood/activity tracker to continue with the modules in the self-help portal I am using for work.   I want to do all of the modules and to really use them in my life.  I don't feel like I can tell people to try something that I am not willing to try and use for myself.   So, I began to use the stupid tracker just to get past it so that I could go on to other things, telling myself that 'not all wellness tools will be your cup of tea.'

Imagine my surprise when it actually worked for me.    Here is a visual of the exact moment to help you imagine it:


 
 
So, I actually could see what parts of my life sort of feed my depression and keep it good and strong, or at least foster it along.    I think of it like allergens in the air.   They get your nose and sinuses all aggravated and swollen so that bacteria can move in and create a nasty little sinus infection.    This is the same way that the things we do can feed into depression.    We do things without thinking that aggravate us and make certain parts of us 'swell' with negativity.   That opens the door for the disease portion to move on it to the aggravated area.  Depression in this story is the same as the bacteria in the sinus infection.
 
The mood/activity tracker just sort of helped me to identify the 'allergens' in my environment.   So, I got to get a new perspective on the things I do that help my illness along.  I also got some insight into activities that make my illness diminish.   So now my goal is to increase the positive mood inducing activities and decrease the aggravating or negative ones.
 
Never thought I would ever say this but Hooray for the Mood/Activity Tracker!  But part of me still hates to track things.   I just do.  
 

But it sure did work.   It gave me a new perspective and increased my awareness.  Go figure!

 
 
 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Don't close yourself off from trying new things, or even old things.  They may surprise you, and actually work.   You might even learn something new or useful.

Even if you hate every moment of it, it is still important to try!

 

 

 



 

 

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