Gentle Path

 

I have some skills that I use every day to make my life better.  These skills are the 'nuts and bolts' of my wellness.  

Without these skills, my life was chaos.    I grew up in a home that was chaotic.   There was often drama.   I did not learn how to deal effectively with emotions.   Emotions boiled over on a regular basis in my childhood home.   Emotions were often treated as fact.  Perceptions were the guiding force for decision making.    I did not learn how to regulate myself, or my thoughts and perceptions until I was an adult.  For me, learning how to do this has been my life line.    I am moody.   I have a mood disorder.   I grew up in chaos. 

 

My life quickly became chaos, and I felt like I was lost at sea, adrift on wave after wave of perception and emotion.  I did not want to stay in this place.   I began to search for anything that could save me.

 

My skills come from many different sources.   Some are from therapy.   Some are from the 12 step tradition.   Some are from DBT.    There are many different paths to wellness.   These are some of the stepping stones that pave my path to wellness:

 

 

Stop and think.  



 

 

 

Many times, I need to picture a stop sign in my head.   I need to stop and breathe.   I need to stop and check the facts.    I need to stop and examine my thoughts.    What is perception, and what is fact?   Am I speaking the language of absolutes?   Am I allowing negative thoughts to consume me?   Do I need to rest?   Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?   What do I need?  What do I need to do for myself in this moment?

 

 

Often, just allowing the space to look at things in my life gives me a cushion in time.   I need this cushion, so that I know what to do next.    I can check in with myself and find the inner wisdom that I need.   I am learning to pause and reflect.   I am learning to be effective.    I am learning to act instead of just reacting.





 

 

Do not dwell in negativity....do not choose the stormy path.

 

 

I used to spend a lot of time in fear.   I worried incessantly about the future.   I lived in shame from the past.   These emotions robbed me of my life.   I missed the moments of my present lost in shame and fear.   The past is gone, the future is not yet here.  When I am either lost in the future, or weighed down by the past, I feel like an angry stallion, charging down a stony path.   This path only leads me to resentment or constant fear.   This is not a comfortable path.   I have spent far too much time here.  I make myself set aside time for worry or fear.   I will spend 2 or 3 minutes just giving worry or fear my all.   Then I will spend 2 or 3 minutes giving positive thinking my all.   Just so that I can balance this time out.  This exercise helps me to pull myself out of fear.   I pay attention to it, but I also spend equal time in positive thinking.  

 

 

 

Ground yourself.

 



 

I really have to work to balance my life.   I tend to overdo things.   I will push myself until I have nothing left to give.    I want to be perfect.    Acceptance is something that I struggle with.   I have to work very hard to just 'let go'.   I want to control life.   I want life on my terms.    Obviously, this approach to life does not work out so well.    I need to intentionally spend time each day just grounding myself.   I either need to meditate, pray, journal or do all of the above.   I need to spend time just doing nothing.  Grounding myself helps me to put things into perspective.   It helps me to stop seeking perfection.   It helps me to let go of my need to control, and helps me to accept reality.  It helps me to find a balance between doing and being.  It helps me to walk a gentle path.    A healing path.

 

If I remember to use these 'nuts and bolts' then my life is less stressful and I don't feel overwhelmed.   I don't feel like I am lost in a swirling sea of emotion and regret.  What are your 'nuts and bolts'?

 

 

And now for a word from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

The path to wellness is a gentle path. 

There's just a lot of hard knocks sometimes before you can find it.

 

 





Enjoy Now

Happy Sunday.   It is a beautiful summer day.   I hope you enjoy it!

I hope you enjoy the beauty of the day,

 



 

 

I hope you enjoy the beauty of nature in full bloom,

 

 

 

 

I hope you can go for a walk,

 

I hope you can have something yummy to eat!

 

 



 

 

 

I hope you can have time to reflect and pause,

 

 

I hope you can have some time just to rest.  Just to Be.

 

 

I hope you enjoy Now. 

Love in the Hard Places

 

We've all had these times.

Those days where you feel you are trapped.  Stuck.  Alone, forgotten and frozen.

There are times in our lives that are hard.  These times come for all of us.   In my life, these times often come when I am in the midst of a life lesson.  Learning can be painful.  Sometimes, during these lessons, I look out at my life and I see only wounds.   I see only what is left when everything has been cut away.   I am in the midst of the lesson.   The old ways are gone, and the new ways have not yet come.   This is a hard time, and often a painful time.

 

 

 

Waiting in the middle is hard to do.

 

In my life, when I have made the biggest changes, or learned the biggest lessons, there are long periods of time when I am in 'limbo'.   In these times, people leave.   I have changed.    I have begun to act and live in new ways.   It is like we are all souls in a dance.   When the song changes, we change partners.   When I get tired of dancing to the same old song, I look for a new song.  Often, I may stand alone until I find dance partners who want to dance to the same song as me.   

 

When we are doing work on ourselves, and we are growing in recovery and wellness, we often experience this limbo.   This is the time for faith.   We are literally in-between.   The old has passed away, and the new is still in the process of coming.  I have been here many times.   It is hard each and every time.      My sister is in this place in her life right now.    I wish I could pull her out of this place, because I know the pain.   But I can't.   Just like me, and just like you, she has to go through this valley of change to get to the other side.    I can only walk beside her in love.

 

I am very close to my sister.   I love her very much.    I am grateful for her.   She is an amazing person and very strong.   She has been through so much difficulty in her life.   She is a survivor.  We often talk to each other and support one another in the rough times of our lives.  She reads many of the same self-help books that I do.   One of our favorite writers is Melody Beattie.  I have many of her books, and use some of them every day.   One of my all time favorites is a daily meditation book called The Language of Letting Go.  This book has helped me more than I can express.   I was looking through it this morning, after talking with my sister.   I found a quotation that I would like to share:

 

Even if the most important person in your world rejects you,

You are still real,

And,

You are still okay.

 

We are not responsible for the actions of other people.   We cannot take on their stuff.  Their actions and their behavior belongs to them.   Our actions and our behavior belongs to us.   Many of us may feel like we are unlovable when other people are harsh with us, or reject us.   Melody Beattie states that this is because "while growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved.  We may have concluded that the reason we weren't loved was because we were unlovable.  Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one...In recovery, we're learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others.  And we're learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us."

 

 

Today, I would like to tell everyone out there, my sister and myself that we are all lovable.  We are all worthy.  New love and friends will come.   This lesson, or this hard time will pass away.   New is coming.  You are almost there.  The work you are doing today will show up in your life tomorrow.  You are changing and growing.  Growth hurts.   Change hurts.

 

 

To my dear sister, I want to say that I love you, and I am with you as you grow in the hard places.   I am with you as you find love for yourself in the hard places. 

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

 

You are lovable, just as you are.

You are lovable even when people walk away.

You are lovable, even when you are alone.

You are lovable.

 

 

 

 

 

 







High Speed Devastation

What is it like to experience Mania?  Mania often begins pleasantly.  It seems harmless...

For me, mania begins with Clarity.   I have this unbelievable Clarity, like a new part of my brain just opened up and I can understand everything.   I often feel energetic and full of creative ideas and plans.    Sometimes, I will begin projects.   I have ceaseless ideas and boundless energy. 

I feel vibrant and alive.  Colors seem richer, the world seems sharper, I feel better, sexier, happier.  
Then my thoughts begin to come faster and faster.  They will race sometimes, like little ideas on little rollercoasters just surging through my head.   They go past before I can catch them.    I have a hard time concentrating on my plans, and projects, and on conversations.   I will interrupt people more, I will lose the flow of the sentence I am uttering while it is still on my lips.    I begin to feel rattled.   My thoughts and energy will keep me awake at night.

At this point, my body will feel tired, but I feel awake and alive at the same time, almost like every cell in my body is just surging with energy.  At this point, even with medication, sleep gets more difficult.    My medication makes me very tired.   It makes me sleep.   I can always tell if I am getting manic when it no longer makes me tired.   I usually sleep ten hours a night when not manic.  I require a lot of sleep.   When my thoughts begin to race, I will sleep sometimes only four hours.  At this point, I usually adjust my medication.

But in the days before I knew I was Bipolar and that this was mania, I did not have medication.   I also did not know what was going on with me.   I knew that I would have times where I could not get out of bed and that I wanted to die.   I knew that these periods were sometimes followed by energetic moods.    These bursts of energy got me through my college years.   I would understand everything and I would write wonderful papers, and I could go and go and then go some more.    It helped me to be able to make up for the times when I would miss class and not get my homework done.

But gradually, these energetic moods began to become longer and to get bigger.  Soon they got ugly and scary.  

They left me with devastation.

 

 

 

Mania is more than an elevated mood, or a feeling of euphoria.

For me, mania began to get ugly really fast.   Mania also can mean surges of anger.  I would wake  up angry.   Just seething with anger.   I did not know why.   I couldn't make sense of things.   I felt confused.   I would yell at my family.

 

I also began to experience a disconnect with reality.    I often believed that I was being followed.  That people were taping me and filming me.   Plotting against me.   I heard noises that were not there.  I believed things that were not true.    In my current life, I often have to share stories of my experience with mental illness. I am used to talking about it.   I only want to cry when I remember the mania.   It caused so much destruction in my life.   It terrified me.   I did not know what was wrong.  

 

I remember thinking I was evil.   I wrote in my check book ledger in code.   I spent every dime I had.   I bought a lot of statues and saint cards and rosaries from a Catholic bookstore.   I was hoping they would protect me from myself.   My evil nature.

 

I felt betrayed by my mind.   I had always been a book nerd.    A good student.   I excelled at school.   I loved knowledge.    I loved taking classes.    My mind betrayed me.   It lied to me.   My mind was the one thing I had counted on.    My mind was my only worth.   I hated myself at that time in my life.   In high school and in my university and law school years, I only drew any self worth from my mind.   When I lost my mind, I lost my identity.

 

I lost my footing.   I lost everything.

 

After that experience, I never wanted to have that happen to me again.

 

It did, but it was less intense.   With time and medication, I began to have smaller and smaller manias.    I had a very good medication provider who taught me how to spot the signs of mania very early.    I learned to catch these signs, so that I could prevent this destruction.

 

I still experience mania.    I still experience depression.    It's just that now, they are like tiny speed bumps in my road of life.    They are not bottomless holes of destruction.

 

 

These are the tools I use to catch and contain my mania:

 

Sleep-  I cannot overemphasize the importance of sleep.   I have to adjust my medication so that I will sleep.   I can't go without.   I may sleep less than my normal ten hours a night.   But I have to make certain that I get six hours of uninterrupted sleep to be well. 

 

 

 

 Make a list and stick to it-  If I do not make a list of things to do and stick to it, I can easily amp up my mania.   An example might be: do the dishes, sweep the floor, change the cat litter.  That is it.   I do not allow myself to do more.   It is very difficult to fight the urge to rearrange the entire house, move and vacuum under all of the furniture, reorganize the pantry, and begin a massive scrapbooking project - all in one night.   If I am not careful, I will be up until 3 or 4 am and then just sleep until 7 or 8 am.   I cannot do this and stay well.   So, I make a list of chores or activities, and I stick to that list.

 

 

Have structured down time - When I am manic, I do not allow myself or need any down time.   I am all go, go, go.    I have to force myself to sit down and try to breathe.   I like to do counted breaths up to ten, and then back down again to one, just to give myself some present moment time.    I cannot do regular meditation when I am going up to mania.   I have to have the numbers to focus on.     I also turn the lights down low, and try to sip some relaxing tea, or just have time with no music or noise.   I try to reduce the stimulation in my home.

 

Be mindful of music and exercise-  I need to try and listen to quiet music, and I also try to do more yoga.   If I listen to energetic music, or try to do a really energizing physical activity, I will just go up and up.   I try to hold myself back from these activities, and I am careful to select music and exercise that will calm me.

 

 

By using these tools, I can hold my mania back.   This helps me to have the life I want to have.   I can stay employed.   I can set and attain my goals.   I can keep devastation and destruction out of my life.

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

When life speeds up, sometimes it is good to slow yourself down.

Get some sleep.

 

 



 

Stretch things out.   Slow things down.

Be Cool.

Recovery in Words...Recovery in Action

 

 

I was looking around for a subject to blog about.   I was thinking about recovery.   So I went looking for definitions.   I found this definition on an archived section of the SAMHSA blog:

Recovery from Mental and Substance Use Disorders:  A process of change through which individuals work to improve their own health and wellbeing, live a self-directed life, and strive to achieve their full potential.
Through the Recovery Support Strategic Initiative, SAMHSA has delineated four major dimensions that are essential to a life in recovery:

• Health: overcoming or managing one’s disease(s) as well as living in a physically and emotionally healthy way;
• Home: a stable and safe place to live;
• Purpose: meaningful daily activities, such as a job, school, volunteerism, family caretaking, or creative endeavors, and the independence, income and resources to participate in society; and
• Community: relationships and social networks that provide support, friendship, love, and hope.

I like this definition of recovery.  It is sort of a statement of some of the building blocks that are needed for recovery to be possible.  

I would not use just this for a definition of recovery for myself  just as it is, but I do feel that it sets out the basics.  It is a good definition of recovery in words.   But let's take a look at recovery in action.    In our nation, there is a lot of conversation about mental illness.   How do we as a nation deal with mental illness?   How do we treat it effectively?   How do we prevent catastrophe?

I think we have a basic disconnect between our words and our actions.   In our words, we can define recovery.   We can tell you what recovery looks like.   We can even set out the building blocks, or nuts and bolts of recovery.   We can do that very well.  But once we look at our actions, there is a very different picture.  There is a picture of confusion, and policy decisions that leave us scratching our heads and just wondering, "Huh?"

Let me explain what I mean.  

Take building block number one from SAMSHA's definition of recovery: Health. 
Overcoming one's disease and living in a physically and emotionally healthy way.   It is hard to get this component of recovery if there are no services in your area.   It is hard to get this component of recovery if the services you receive are not adequate to meet your needs. It is hard to get this component of recovery if the mental health services you can attain and like in your area are repeatedly hit with deep budget cuts.  It is hard to get this component of recovery if you are shamed and stigmatized for trying to attain health.

Building block number two is Home.  It is hard to find a home if there is no low income housing in your area.   It is hard to find a home if you have to wait for years to get vouchers to help you afford a home.   It is hard to find a home if you can't get the skills you need to maintain employment.   It is hard to get a home when your income is repeatedly cut by the federal government. 

Building block number three is Purpose.   This building block has a social component as well as a financial component.   To get this building block, you need to be able to go and find community activities to engage in, and ways to volunteer.  Or, you need to be able to find employment, or at least have some financial means to participate.   This component is incredibly hard to get for anyone who cannot access health care, or housing.    It is also hard to integrate yourself into society if you do not know how to, or lack the skills to do this.  Add in the barriers like social stigma and prejudice, and this building block becomes almost impossible for many people.

Building block number four is Community.  Community is defined in this building block as relationships and social networks that provide support, friendship, love and hope.   This building block is also a challenge for many people with mental illness.   Mental Health services sometimes have the effect of isolating people in a community setting.   What I mean by that is that the mental health center will take you out into the community, and yet keep you separate at the same time.   The hospital ward is recreated in a community setting.   You will socialize only with 'your own kind' and this will ensure that you are 'safe and accepted'.    You will do this in groups at community locations.   So you are in town, but somehow, you are still on 'the island of misfit toys'-- just in a town setting.  And you feel like a misfit, most of the time.  
It is hard to feel love and support, and, to maintain hope when you feel like a misfit.

If we truly want to change mental health in America, if we truly want to hold a national conversation about mental illness, then we need to back up our words with actions.

Talk is cheap.    The headlines call for health reform.    They cast blame around looking for the answer to the riddle of mental illness.   We already have the answer.   We already have a solution.  We already have the building blocks for recovery and health.   We just don't have the policy, funding and actions to back up our talk.  

Have you ever heard that if you keep trying the same thing over and over, and keep getting the same crappy result that you need to try something different?   How can we keep expecting people who have mental illness to recover, when we consistently cut the funding and the programs that support the building blocks of recovery? 



And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Take a bite out of Stigma.   Advocate for your right to Recovery.

 You have a right to Recovery in actions, as well as in words.

The Power of You

Be yourself.   Just be you.

How often have you heard those phrases?    We often tell children when they are nervous about making friends to "just be yourself."   But how many of us really are just ourselves?     And what if part of what makes up 'you' is a label?    What if part of 'you' is a disabling condition?     How do you reconcile the social stigma of a disability with 'you'?

My first approach was to lose myself.   I lost my identity to a label.    Then I found myself again, and then lost my label.   But I didn't really lose my label.   The label was still stuck on me, but I went to great lengths to ignore it and pretend that it didn't exist.    "What label?   What are you talking about?   What is mental illness?    What is bipolar disorder?   I don't know what you mean."

I guess that I didn't really find myself that way.   I only found the part of myself that was not mentally ill.   I only wanted to find the part of myself that was 'normal'.   So I didn't really find myself.   I found a version of myself.   But not the truth.    Not the real me.

I couldn't find myself until I accepted myself.   Accepted that sometimes I have needed help.   I have gone in for services.   THERAPY.     I need medication to live the life that I live.   I need medication to be 'normal'.    And even then, I am not really 'normal'.    Sometimes, I have boundless energy and I have a hard time sleeping.   My thoughts race through my mind and I can't catch them enough to form a plan, or read a book.    Sometimes I experience amazing clarity and understanding.    

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I don't want to get out of bed.   Sometimes I feel no joy in my soul.   Sometimes, I even feel numb and muddled.    I can't think and can't seem to find the energy to get up and get going.

Bipolar illness is not me.    It is not my definition.    It is not the sum total of my life.   But, if I am honest with myself and with you, it is a part of my life.   It is a part of me.   It is a part of my reality. 


Here is a TED talks video of Caroline Casey.   She does not have a mental illness.   She has a different disability.   She also has an amazing vision of disabilities and humanity.   The video is less than 20 minutes.    I hope you watch it.   It is very powerful.   And after you watch it, you will see that you are powerful too.

 

 

 

I hope that after you watch this video, that you are more comfortable with being you.    All of you.  The parts you like and the parts you don't.

 

 

It is the total of your parts that make you who you really are. 

And you make yourself extraordinary!

 

 

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

You are the only 'you' that exists.

 

 

And you are completely amazing.

 



 



The language of fiction...your 'wrong way' sign on the road of life.

 

 

Have you ever thought about what you say when you criticize yourself or others?    Do you speak in terms of absolutes?   Then your criticism is probably more fiction than fact.

If I am honest with myself, then I have to admit that I criticize myself most of the time.   I also criticize other people.   But I am a lot nicer to other people than I am to myself.    I am sure that most of us have criticized ourselves at one time or another.   But some people do this to excess.   I am one of those people.    I do not know if this has anything to do with mental illness.    I do know that mental illness, or at least the stigma of mental illness did not help my self esteem much.   I also know that I am an emotional and moody person.  But that is not necessarily due to my mental illness.

Could it be that I also have a personality disorder?   I don't really know.    To me, that is just another label that I do not need.   And for whatever reason, I have learned to cut myself down, or I just seem to do it naturally.   I may not always know why I do the things I do, but I do know what to do about it.   I know what tools I can use to change it.  

I do actively try to live a life of wellness.    I work on developing coping skills.   I work my own personal Wellness Recovery Action Plan.    I also use my DBT skills nearly every day.   I find them helpful.   They are like the map and compass I always needed and never had.   They are my way out of misery.

When I am in the midst of kicking myself in the butt for whatever reason, whether it is my appearance, or something hurtful that someone said, or maybe my performance at my job or in my life was not what I wanted it to be, whatever the reason for my tirade - there is one common truth.
I speak the language of fiction.    I speak the language of absolutes.

Here is an example.   Let's say that I am running behind schedule, or that I forgot my lunch.   Or maybe both.    I am upset that I am late and that I forgot my lunch.    Those things are facts.    But I will begin a tirade against myself that goes something like this:   I am NEVER organized.   I ALWAYS forget my lunch.    I am ALWAYS late.    I NEVER do ANYTHING  right.    Why do I ALWAYS  mess things up?

The only two facts were that I was behind schedule and that I forgot my lunch.   That is it.   If I was ALWAYS behind, I would not have a job.    If I ALWAYS forgot my lunch, I certainly would be a whole lot thinner.   If I really NEVER did anything right, I probably would not be living the life that I live.     I do mess up sometimes.   I do forget my lunch sometimes.   And I am late or behind schedule sometimes.   Just like everyone else.    I am also on time sometimes.   I am ahead of schedule sometimes.    I sometimes remember my lunch.    I sometimes do things very well.   I sometimes do things very wrong.     Those are the facts.

I am learning to check for this language of fiction,  both in my discussions with myself, and with other people.    In reality, there really are not very many absolutes when you are dealing with people.  We are too human to be always or never anything!   I may feel like "she ALWAYS yells at me" at that one moment in time, but when I think about it, it isn't really true.   Sometimes she may yell, sometimes she may not.    "He is NEVER on time, and he NEVER does what I ask him to do."  In reality, he may have been late a few times, and may not have done what I asked, but he was also on time some of the time and also did do what I asked some of the time.

For me, hearing this language in myself is like turning on the light in the room.    It lets me see what is in the room so that I don't stumble over it.    I can see and I can get to what I need.    If I know that I have lapsed into the language of fiction, I can sit down, catch my breath, and think about what skill or tool I can use to change my perception.   I can also do this when I am getting absolutes or criticism from another person.    It gives me a chance to think, and to separate fact from fiction.    To see reality verses my perception at that one moment in time of reality. 



Avoiding the use of this language of fiction helps me to have a better life.    I like myself more.   I like other people more.   I am more forgiving and understanding or myself and of others.    I feel like I have something to look forward to.   I feel like I have a life worth living.  I would rather have a life worth living than trying to kill my spirit with fiction.   I don't have time for the language of fiction.    I don't want to be in the business of feeding myself fiction all day long.

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Take a long hard look at the language you are using for yourself and others.

If you see absolutes, you see fiction.

Stick to the facts.

Be fair to yourself.

Be fair to others.