Heavy Lifting

 

 

I've been struggling with depression lately.   It feels heavy.  I don't feel like doing much.  My soul feels like it is full of lead.

So, today I decided to do some heavy lifting.

Let's face it.   It's hard work to fight depression.  I have to really work at it.   I know what I need to do to fight it.   I have to force myself out of my house over and over and over.   The first activity is always the hardest.   After that, I usually will have an idea for something else that I can do that will lift my spirits.   Then the trick is just following through with whatever activity that I have selected for the day.   Once I've done a few things, then the lead in my soul is not as unbearable.    It may still be there but it is not as bad.   I may still feel like it is a challenge to do everything I need to do to get through the day, but I feel much more able to face things.   

 

I used to feel ashamed and angry that I had to work harder to face life.   I didn't want to have to do this heavy lifting to get through the day.  The fact that I need to do this to face life used to make me feel like I was less than other people.  But now I know that we all deal with hard and heavy things.  In reality, everyone has some type of heavy lifting.   If I was in a wheel chair, I would need to adapt my surroundings and the way that I do things to move around in my chair.  I would need to have some necessary accommodations in my life.  If I had a cold or a flu, I might have to change my plans.  I may need to get some rest, or take some medicine to help me deal with my symptoms.   The same goes for mental illness, or mental health challenges.  Sometimes, some days, I need to adapt.  I need to make room for these accommodations to help myself to move through my environment.  I need to take good care of myself, and give myself time to heal.

 

I think my anger and shame came from self stigma.   I guess I felt that it was wrong to have a mental illness.  That I shouldn't be different than other people, that I shouldn't have to force myself into an activity just to feel like I was able to put one foot in front of the other and show up for life.  But it is okay to have depression.   It is okay to have anxiety.   It is okay to have mania.  They are just like any other illness.  It is okay to adapt yourself and to learn to cope with the changes your illness may bring to your life.

 

These were my accommodations today:

 

 

Nature.    I have a connection to nature.  I need to be outside when I am depressed.

I need to throw my everything into an activity outside.  Today I pulled some weeds in the yard.

 

 

This activity did two things.  First, I used it as a mindfulness exercise to give myself some emotional space from my depression and loneliness.  Second, it was like cold medicine for my soul.  It got me up and out of the house, and involved.  Just involved in anything helps me when I am depressed.  Being involved makes my mind work better.  I usually am better able to think of what I need to do for the day to cope.

 

 

As I pulled the weeds, I thought about activities that would bring me joy.  Things that would bring playfulness to my heart.   

 

 

 I chose to do some yoga to stretch my body and to spend some time in meditation and to just breathe.  Yoga also makes me feel connected to the universe, and since I practice 'loving kindness' towards my body while I do the poses and meditation, it helps me to not binge eat.  I usually end up being much more gentle to my self and my body after yoga.

 

 

As I was doing yoga, I thought about how much I wanted to go for a walk.

My body was just aching for a walk.

 

I also thought about a good friend.   She is someone who sometimes struggles with the same things that I do.  She is also a 'healthy' friend.  We do healthy things together.  She is also an inspiration to me, because I know that she loves and accepts herself.   We can support and encourage each other without giving advice.  I texted her and asked her to go for a walk.   She has 2 beautiful black dogs, and we each walked one.   It was lovely.  It was a beautiful day to be outside.  We were good company for each other, and the dogs were wonderful.   Animals always help to lift my spirits.  Cats are my companions in the quiet, and dogs are great companions for adventure.  They are happy and content creatures.   I really needed the walk and her friendship.

 

These accommodations today made my day better.   I woke up feeling depressed and lonely.   I didn't want to do any heavy lifting.  But doing that heavy lifting helped me to turn my day around.   Doing that heavy lifting helps me to be mindful of what activities buoy my spirits.  Doing that heavy lifting allowed me to lift the heaviness of depression, so that I can cope.

 

What can you do to help you?   What is your heavy lifting?

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Listen to yourself today.  Be gentle with yourself.

Give yourself permission to be you.   Give yourself what you need.

 

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

Today I pulled weeds mindfully.    What does that mean?   I knew I needed to get outside and do an activity.    I woke up feeling low and dark.  My soul felt weary and heavy.   I knew that I needed an activity that I could just lose myself in the present moment.   I like working in the yard and in my garden.   I like pulling weeds as a mindfulness activity.   I simply begin by taking a few deep breaths.   Then, I feel the warmth of the sun.  I listen to the sounds in the air.   I feel the weeds in my hands.   I feel them as I pull them.   I can also smell the weeds and the smells of the earth.   I like the smell of the earth.    It makes me feel connected.   When I am depressed, I often feel disconnected.   I feel separate from everything.   I like to get a connection with nature.   Plants weather change.   They are rooted to the ground and the weather and the air.   They remind me that I am connected too.   While I pulled the weeds, I was in the present moment.    Being in the here and now always helps me.  I get out of my head space for just a tiny bit.   This activity helped me to pull some of the weeds in my life.   I have many coping skills for depression.   Some are healthy, and some are not.  

Being Mindful helps me to choose the healthy coping skills over the unhealthy.  Choosing the healthy coping skills helps me to get well and stay well.   I can avoid the shame that comes with unhealthy behaviors.   Healthy coping skills keep me from becoming stuck, and staying stuck in depression. 





 



Energy in the Stillness

Tonight I had a chance to meditate in a group for 30 minutes, and then to do a walking meditation for 10 minutes.  I wasn't sure that I could do it.

I meditate in the course of my job and I try to either meditate or practice some other sort of mindfulness at least once or more a day.    I am never able to meditate for very long when I do it on my own at home.

Tonight I went to a local yoga center that has a free meditation.   I was nervous to go.    I have been struggling lately with some mild depression.   When I feel depressed, I feel exhausted to my bones and my soul.   I feel like I don't want to socialize.   I feel separate from others and cut off from the world.   In short, I feel like crap.   I feel like crap physically, mentally and emotionally and spiritually and any other kind of 'ally' you can possibly think of.

I also had a very long day.   I went straight from work to the local NAMI in my area to attend a support group for family members of those who have mental illness and to set up the next family to family class that I co-facilitate in the fall.  That meeting went clear up to just a few minutes before the meditation session began.   I hesitated, and decided to go try it out, even though I was tired from my long day.

I completely enjoyed the meditation.    I wasn't sure I could do it for 30 minutes.    When they rang the gong to stop the session, I thought we had only done it for like maybe 10 minutes.    I was completely taken aback.   On my own, at home, I have only been able to meditate for 3 minutes at the most.   I was surprised that time passed so quickly.   I often had to bring my mind back to focus on my breath.   Sometimes, I had to focus on my body, where it was making contact with the cushion or the floor.    I would sometimes follow the path of my breath, and then have my awareness loosely on the sensations in my body, like the tingling in my feet or the numbness in my butt.   I was vaguely aware of my thoughts, but did not latch on to them.   I noticed what the thoughts were about, but did not judge myself for having thoughts, and did not judge the content of the thoughts as good or bad.

I was struck by the number of my thoughts that had to do with my insecurity with my self, or with my discomfort with being with myself as I am.   I thought about being fat in a room with mostly thin people.   I thought that I wasn't good enough.   I thought about work.   I thought about my daughter.  

I did not latch on to these thoughts, but it is interesting to note how many thoughts I have that are 'worry thoughts' about not being enough.   Oddly enough, these thoughts interfere with me just 'being'.    I don't allow myself to be myself.    I am usually in my waking moments lost in a torrential stream of negativity towards myself.    When I allowed myself to just 'be' without thinking or really doing anything, I found not only awareness, but a feeling of energy and what I can only describe as a kind of peace and joy, all at the same time.

I am awake later than normal right now, after a really long and jam-packed day.   My job can be very emotionally draining sometimes.   I am somewhat over extended by my volunteer commitments with the local NAMI.    I would expect to feel completely wrung out and totally sucked dry to my soul at this point.   But I don't.

I can feel that my body is tired, but my spirit feels at peace.   I feel content.   I feel energized, but not in a "I'm going to go home and deep clean the house and re-arrange all of my cabinets" kind of way.   I feel energized and refreshed in my emotions and spirit in the same way that I feel energized and renewed after a long deep sleep, or a nice relaxing vacation in the mountains or at the beach.  It's weird.   And not what I was expecting.

I did not have any major revelations or any big kind of experience.   I guess I just had 30 minutes of really just accepting myself as I am and being in the present and in reality as much as I could for those 30 minutes.   And for me, that is just what I needed to feel peaceful and content.

Meditation to me used to seem 'out there' and weird.   Stuff that real people just don't do.  But it really does work, and I really do feel better than I did earlier today.  Go figure!

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

We live in a world that is obsessed with 'doing'.   Sometimes it is helpful to just 'be'.

When we are still in our bodies and minds, we allow ourselves to be who we are.

When we are still in our bodies and minds, we are fully in the present moment.

When we allow ourselves to 'be', we gain energy that we need to 'do'.

Happy to be stuck with you....

I was thinking about happiness today. 

I used to think that being happy meant getting exactly what I wanted at the exact moment that I wanted it.   I now know that happiness is not just about what we get or don't get, but about our attitudes about those things we really can't control.   Which is pretty much everything except ourselves, and on some days, I can't seem to even control myself.

I often watch documentaries on happiness or contentment, because it fascinates me that sometimes people who have lived through incredibly hard situations are among the happiest and most content.
I watched a documentary called 'happy' on Netflix that discusses happiness across nations, socio-economic status and life situations.  It was interesting to me that some of the people were living in poverty, or had been through terrible things, and yet were still able to feel happy and content.  I wonder if it is just that they accept life as it comes, or is there more to it?

I found this TedTalk by Dan Gilbert on the surprising science of happiness.    It is his theory that being stuck or 'bound' actually scientifically helps us to become happy.   The spiritual part of me believes that this comes from acceptance of what is, and adjusting ourselves to reality.   He calls this 'synthetic happiness'.   He takes this synthetic happiness further than just the spiritual process of acceptance and gratitude.    Our brains are happier when we are bound.   Our ambitions are better when bound.   Our fears and worries are better when bound.   We are the most happy when we are stuck.   It is a very interesting video.  Watch it and let me know what you think.

Just what I needed

I've been having a rough time lately.  I have been dealing with some depression and anxiety.  There is a lot of change in my life, and there's been some rough days at work.   Today, my seemingly hectic life gave me just what I needed.

I had a nice picnic in the rain with some old friends.    I forgot about my struggles, and just enjoyed the time with them.   It was nice, and it was exactly the medicine I needed to deal with my pain.   DBT skills and mindfulness are helping too, they seem to put me in a place where I can at least think and not get lost in a sea of emotion.  I probably wouldn't have gone to the picnic if I didn't have these skills.  I would've just barricaded myself at home and got lost on the wave of emotion.

Instead, I went out and left my stress for about 2 hours, and had an amazing time.    I enjoy it when I get little gifts from life.  Even in some of my most miserable times, I've had these little islands of rest that seem to fill my cup and keep me going.   I feel very grateful.    And that is saying a lot since this morning I pretty much hated life and was so nervous and upset that I couldn't even drink my coffee.   If you knew me, you'd know how big of a statement that is.   I am practically surgically attached to my coffee.

Sometimes, just doing ANYTHING helps me to get away from my depression and anxiety and the hard situations in my life.   Having an activity to focus on, or a person to talk to really does help.   The nice thing about this picnic is that I didn't even need to talk about the stuff that was bothering me.    I just talked to friends and enjoyed the day.   It gave me the space I needed to put away my work day, and begin my home day.   It gave me the space I needed to just breathe and relax.

I enjoy those times when life seems like a gift that gives us just what we need.  I am happy to see this more and more in my life.  There used to be more pain in life for me.   There is still pain now, I think I am just better equipped to deal with it before it messes with me on a physiological level and sends me into a bipolar tailspin.    I may have to work hard sometimes to get to this point, but before I was too lost to even begin to find the joy in life.

Pockets of joy in the hard times are a gift.   How many of them have been in your life?   Have they helped you?

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Depression and Anxiety can turn your life upside down.

They make it harder to accept life and change.

These are the times to trust that things can and will get better.

These feelings will not last forever.  They will pass.

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

Today, I decided to make a 'Grateful List' for my daily mindfulness.   I have slipping in doing something mindful every day, because depression gets in the way.    I tend to want to give in to the depression, and not do the things I know make me feel better.   Everything just seems so much harder when you feel depressed.   It surrounds you and suffocates you with its sadness and numbness.  Making a grateful list is the absolute last thing in the world that I want to do.   I feel bitter and horrible and I don't want to be grateful.     But I know it will help.  So here is my list:

I am grateful for:

my daughter, my family, my friends, my boss, my job, my home, the smell of the earth in the rain, my cats, the progress I have made in life, the new coping skills I am learning in my job, grapes, tomatoes, pay day, and the pool.

 

Making this list shows me the bounty that is present in my life.   If flips my focus away from the lack or the feelings that drag me down.   It changes my perspective on my hardships and it gives me hope for the future.   I feel more content with myself and my situation.   I feel more content with the ordinary.  I feel like I have a good life even if I do deal with depression.   I feel blessed that I have an opportunity to learn new skills to help myself get through this time.   I know it sounds corny to make a list of things that you are grateful for when you feel like just laying on your couch and telling everyone to just go to hell, but it really does work.   Try it.  

 

 

 



Homeless Shuffle

In the headlines this evening, I saw an article on how Hawaii is planning to pay for homeless persons to 'have a flight home' in an effort to save some money.  You can see that article by clicking here.

According to this article, Hawaii hopes to save some of the cost associated with food, shelter and medical costs.     What about those people among the homeless population that have mental illness?
How does 'flying them home' and basically putting the burden of care on another state help?    So now, instead of 'bus therapy' are we going to have 'plane therapy'?     How does burying your head in the sand and hoping someone else will take care of things for you solve any problems?

What if Hawaii were to apply for federal housing programs that help fund assisted living for people with physical and mental disabilities?    The Olmstead act provides for money to be used in this way to help provide housing for persons with mental illness.  
What if Hawaii were to use the money for the plane trips to build some more community mental health centers so that people could get treatment instead of being homeless?   What if these community mental health centers ran Assertive Community Treatment models of care as endorsed by NAMI?   Then people could get the support they need when they are in crisis, and they could build the skills they need to create a productive and healthy life.

Flying people back to their home state will not work.   If they do not have medication and health care, how can they ever hope to get well and stay well?  Dumping people like human garbage and passing the buck to another state do not solve the problem.    This type of behavior only increases stigma and prevents meaningful treatment and support.   How many people will trust enough to ever get services for their mental illness if they fear being shipped off to another state, dropped off and forced to fend for themselves?

How can our nation say that we need to help those with mental illness and then respond by sending them to another state?   

Why don't we just speak the truth?   We do not want tragedies like Aurora or Sandy Hook, but hey, it is not my state's job to fix it.  We want the violence to end, but we are not willing to help in any real or meaningful way.  Isn't that the job of a different state?

You don' have to ship off the people with mental illness to a different state.  They are constantly in the state of indifference.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

Become a face to face Advocate.

 

Tell someone, anyone, about how mental illness is treated in our nation.

 

Change minds one person at a time.

 



grey skies, bad days, hard moods...

Why, Why, Why do I hate myself so much?    It seems like I will be fine and dandy and then Bang, out of nowhere, I feel like a worthless piece of crap and spend all day hating myself, hating my life, and struggling just to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel this horrible grey mood move in on my soul.   It seems like the monster in a horror flick, just continuing to pursue me, even when I thought I was safe and had gotten away.  During these times, I feel fearful and uncertain.   I feel weighted down and sad.   I usually hate myself during these grey moods.

I feel this way even with medication and therapy and coping skills.    Some days I grow tired of feeling this way, and I have been searching for a cure for a large part of my adult life.   Some days seem like they are just a struggle, and that is the part that makes me want to scream "It's just not fair!"

I struggle to accept that I have feelings like this and that some days are hard.   In my new quest to be more mindful and to watch my judgment thoughts,  I am learning to give myself permission to be me.  Me with all of my insecurities, fears and self hatred.    Part of this permission includes the fact that I try as hard as I can to not feel this way, and sometimes, in spite of everything, I still feel this way.    And that is okay.

I struggle to accept the fact that I have to work really hard to maintain my wellness on these days.  It feels like trying to run a marathon uphill with weights tied to your limbs while facing 50 mph head winds.    I just want to give up and stop trying to fight.  But then, I remember that I can't give up.   I need to keep going for myself and for my family.

So what do I do with these hard days?    Well, tonight I am going to take a good long look at the thoughts swirling around in my head.   Where am I judging myself mercilessly?  What are the facts and what are the emotions?    Then I think I will distract myself with something fun.   Something opposite of the emotions that I am feeling.   I am feeling down, and hopeless and pointless and worthless.   So I might watch a comedy on television, or read an uplifting  story, or play a fun board game with my daughter. 

Finally, I will try to do a mindful activity, both because I said I would on this blog, and also because I know it will work.   I am going to do some yoga from my curvy yoga site that includes some loving kindness towards myself.   I really need all of the loving kindness I can find.   That can stop that horrible inner voice that seems to want to rip me to shreds.

It does bother me that I have to work hard to be well.   But, in reality, we all do.  Mental illness or no mental illness, everyone has bad days.   Everyone has times where they feel worthless, like they are just spinning their wheels for no reason.   Sometimes we all struggle to put one foot in front of the other.   At least, I can feel grateful that I know some coping skills that really work for me.   I can keep on trying out these skills when times are tough.   There will be blue skies ahead for me.   This funk, or bad mood time will pass, and the joy will come back into my life.  Until then, I will take each day as it comes, and work hard to change the things that I can.  I know the grey days can't last forever.

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Some days are just hard.

Sometimes you will have moods that don't want to yield.

These are the times to use your skills to keep going, and let the hope of a better tomorrow do the rest.

This too, shall pass.   There are better times ahead.

 

 

 

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I waited to write this part after I had done my mindfulness activity, to see if it helped to improve my mood.  It was hard to make myself participate in this activity.   Every fiber of my being did not want to do it.   I just wanted to give in to the hopeless feelings and dark mood.   But, as with most of my coping skills, I pushed myself to try something.   I wanted to see if it could make a difference, even on a very dark and hard day.

 

I decided to do the curvy yoga video segment on body love and loving kindness.   It is 30 minutes long and uses a chair for most of the poses.   I noticed several things while doing yoga.   I focused on what my body felt like and not what it looked like.    I breathed deep and did not push myself.   I also noticed that I felt uncomfortably full.   Today was rough.   I comforted myself in my usual way, with food.   For the first time, I feel too full.   I can see how that so called 'comfort' is just self punishment in disguise.   I never saw it that way before. 

 

After doing the yoga, my body feels much more relaxed and limber.    I feel like I dropped some of the stress I'd been carrying around.   My stomach feels over full, and I am not judging myself for that.   This was a new awareness for me - one that I needed to feel much more than to know.   I felt deep within my soul how much this was hurting me, instead of reading it, or knowing it on an intellectual level only.

 

My mood is still low, but the sadness feels much easier to deal with.  It feels less heavy, and it seems like it is easier to set it aside.    I am going to continue to be nice to myself.   I can feel that I am tired, and I am going to let myself rest.   Tomorrow is a brand new day!

 

My mindfulness today was like a light at the end of a tunnel.    It eased the darkness, it made me aware of things I could not see before, and it gave me the promise of hope.

 

 

 



The Power of And

It doesn't take much, just 2 or 3 upcoming changes in my life and I get afraid.   Afraid of the future and my place in the world.    I don't really know all of the reasons why I tend to do this, and I suppose it wouldn't really matter if I knew, because the reality is that I feel uncertain and down. 

 

I try to deal with these feelings in several ways, so that they don't get the best of me. 

First, I try to force myself to spend an equal amount of time thinking that things will work out great, as I do thinking that they will be horrible.    I tell myself that the future does not exist, so if I am going to put some worry thoughts out there, then I can also put some great thoughts out there.

I also try to ground myself in the present moment through an activity like meditation or yoga.   I will probably need to do both today, because I don't like myself very much today.  Spending time in the present moment usually helps me to get out of my slump and back into life.

I will also find something to do today, to get myself out of the house or busy.   The weekends are perfect for this, because I usually have a lot of house cleaning to do anyway, and I can play some fun music, clean the house and then maybe go to a convenience store for a pop after. 

I am also try to use the word 'and' instead of the word 'but'.   I heard this suggestion from a co-worker and it really does make me feel better.   I tend to like to kick myself for not being perfect.  So, if I am worrying about something, I will kick myself for worrying and not being more Zen.      So instead of saying " I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" or "I feel worried about the future, but I know what to do to feel better", I will change the but for the and.    Why?   The and opens doors.   The and lets you be you, will all of your imperfections and flaws.   The and gives you permission to be human. 

Let's  take those statements again.   If I tell myself "I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" , I am telling myself that I should not be worried about the future and that I am stupid and a failure for having these thoughts, especially when I know what to do to help myself.    This is judgment, and it makes me feel like crap.   

If I change that but to an and, then I have permission to hold both of these beliefs at one time, and that more accurately reflects reality.   " I feel worried about the future, and I know that the future does not yet exist"  or "I feel worried about he future and I know what to do to feel better" both give me permission to have my feelings.   They give me permission to be human and to know how to fix my mindset.   They make it acceptable to be myself and to have the feelings that I have without judgment.    And they help me to feel so much better.

So I am going to help myself out today by cleaning my house, relaxing, grounding myself in the present moment, and by changing by 'but' to 'and'.

Try using and in your life.   See if it makes a difference in how you feel and think about yourself and your life.

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

All of us wonder about the future sometimes.   Try to wonder both positive and negative if you are worried about the future.   Try to ground yourself in the now and put the future on a shelf.

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I sat for a moment this morning and just noticed the beauty of my surroundings.   I listened to the sounds outside on this cool and calm morning.    I noticed the sounds of my daughter playing and the sounds of my cats sleeping.    I have a beautiful life.