Homeward Bound

 

 

Ever just have that feeling like you need to head out the door, and just get out of town?   Yesterday, I had that feeling.  I knew it was the right thing to do for myself.

I am sorry I didn't write.  But I just really needed to kick the dust of town off of my feet and get out!   I live in the mountain west, so a good deal of the time, getting out of town is a real trick depending on the weather.   So when it is summer, that open road just calls to me sometimes.    I had a good time.   I needed to go home.  

 

 To visit my family.

 

 

 

 

When I was younger, I struggled with my family.   I still do sometimes, but it is less than it used to be.    I am sure that some of it is just the fact that I am getting older, and gaining some insight into life based on my own journey of mistakes and struggles.   But I also have learned to accept my family as they are.   I used to want them to be someone else.   To fill whatever need I had that I wanted them to fill.   But then I learned that I can't change who people really are, whether they are my family or not.   To say that I learned this sounds easier than it was.   This was years of learning.   Years of pain. 

 

But eventually it became less of a struggle and then it was just like magic.   I accepted them for who they are and not who I wished they were, or wanted them to be.   And it was like someone just breathed, and in the space of that breath, we all relaxed.    It seemed to work both ways, and it seems like they accept me for who I am now too.    Things are not perfect.   Family can still sometimes be annoying.  But there is a space of calm with us now.

 

My family is far from perfect.   And I am far from perfect.  But yesterday, I just really needed to go home.  Get a new perspective.   Enjoy those moments of summer with family.

 





 

 

 

 My family will not always be here.   Summer will not always be here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What can you give yourself today?   What do you need?   Do you need to go home?   Maybe you need to leave home.    Or, maybe you need to have a good cry, or read a good book, or go for a long walk.   Be kind to yourself today.

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 



Life is not always easy.  Sometimes you've just gotta pamper yourself. 

Zen yourself through the awkward

Today I have to face an awkward situation.  I want to run from this situation.    I want my life to be different than it is.  I don't want to face reality. 

Reality can be a lonely road.

 

 

Sometimes, in the past, when I had to deal with unpleasant things or awkwardness, my answer was always to run.  Run away and imagine something different.   Pretend that things were not the way they really are.    This approach did work in the short term.   But it didn't work in the long term.    In the long term, it leads to a loss of self worth.   And sometimes feelings of shame.  Shame for me always results in a return of Ed.  Ed is my old enemy.   His name is an acronym for eating disorder.
 

 

So my ways of short term coping in the past sort of set me up for a whirlpool of shame.   I feel diminished when I run from something.   In turn, I begin to feel shame.   I engage in binge eating.   Ed begins his abuse in my head.   I feel more shame, and usually I begin to listen to Ed more.   I give him control and power.   Pretty soon, I am trapped in a spiral of shame, deprivation and binge eating.  This road for me eventually leads to depression.   Deep depression.   And deep depression sets me up for more mania.   And then life is not so easy anymore.  Not that life ever really is easy, but it is a heck of a lot harder when you are trying to live it on a rollercoaster.   And riding that rollercoaster with Ed screaming at you all the reasons why you are a loser.

 

The only thing that can help me through this situation is a set of skills that I have learned through DBT.   DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy and it was originally created for borderline personality disorder.   But it works for many things and many people.   It is basically a set of coping skills designed to do two things:  to help you accept reality, and to help you change the things that are not working in your life.   That is where the fancy dancy word Dialectical comes in.   Basically, you are balancing change and acceptance on the teeter-totter of your life.   You use mindfulness to help you balance these two things.

 

 

 

 

The first step for me is to begin by accepting reality.

Not what I wish life was.

Not what I want my life to be.  Just accepting what is.

Right here. Right now.

 

 

 

After I have accepted reality, I can deal with the emotions that are swirling around in the mx.  Emotions for me sometimes seem like reality.   And so do the judgments and perceptions that I attach to them.    It helps me to gain some perspective on what is fact, and what is emotion.   Once I have the facts, the emotions are not so turbulent, and I can become aware of my perceptions and judgments.    So if I can't change a situation, I can change my reaction to that situation.    I can get my emotions calmed down so that I can be in the right frame of mind to deal with life.

 

 

 

This frame of mind is called 'wise mind' in DBT circles.   For me, wise mind allows me to face situations with intent.   I think about what I need to do in the upcoming situation to be skillful and effective.    Usually, this means that I sit down and think about the steps I need to take to ensure my safety and wellbeing.    To protect myself from emotional harm.   I am more able to do what I need to do, because I am not in a super emotional place.   And, I am not running from reality.   I am facing reality.    I guess, I am sort of facing reality with style.  With style and a whole lot of Zen.

 

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

A little mindfulness can go a long way.

The situation my stay the same, but you can change how you perceive it and deal with it.

 

 

    



 

 

 



 

The convenience of stigma

Definition of STIGMA

 

a archaic : a scar left by a hot iron : brand

 b : a mark of shame or discredit : stain stigma

of cowardice>

c : an identifying mark or characteristic; specifically : a specific diagnostic sign of a disease

 

 

It is convenient to assign blame to those who have mental illness.   Why?  Because someone who is 'at fault' is not worthy of care, sympathy or help.

 

 

It makes it easy to discard the mentally ill.   To treat them like garbage, or to ignore them and hope that they will just go away.  After all, they are not like us.  They are different.  They are broken.   They need to just be locked up.  Contained.

 

 

 

It is easy to assign blame to illness.   If it is your fault, then you deserve your illness.   You deserve to be sick.  If you deserve to be sick, then society doesn't need to be bothered with finding a solution.  After all, you brought this on yourself.

 

 

What would happen if there suddenly was no shame left in mental illness?   People would admit that they have it.   They would go in for treatment.   People might begin to look for solutions and push for better medical care and better treatment.   Research would be funded.  Minds would be changed.  People might have to put some effort into treating and curing mental illness.  Policy would change.  People would care. 

 

 

Isn't it easier just to blame us?   Isn't it easier to forget about us?   Isn't it easier to just put us on a bus with a few pills and ship us off to a neighboring state?  Isn't it easier to make us be the broken ones instead of looking at a broken system?

 

 

 

 

 

After all, it would take some effort to fix a broken system.

 

 

So, how can we begin?  We begin by refusing to accept shame and stigma if we have a mental illness.  We begin by refusing to assign blame if we don't.  We begin by not drawing a line between 'us' and 'them'.    We refuse to see anything but 'us'.   We work together for a solution and for change.

 

 

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

 

 

Define yourself.   Don't let a label tell you who you are.



 

 







 

 

 

 

 

Independence Day

 

Happy Independence Day!

 

 

I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July.  I hope you have time to spend the day with family or friends, or just with the company of yourself.   I hope you have a wonderful day just being you.

 

 

I hope you have time to make a wish...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you have time to enjoy the great outdoors....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you have time to put your feet up, and relax for awhile....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And, I hope you have a chance to watch some fireworks.

 

Mostly, I hope you have plenty of time for joy!

 

 

 

 



Waking up with the weight of the world, and broken shoulders

What is it like to experience depression?

  

Depression for me is like waking up with weights tied to my limbs, and a rock inside of my soul.   I feel worthless and hopeless and empty.  The joy in my life disappears.  My mind feels muddled and it is hard to make sense out of the ins and outs of day to day life.  
Sometimes I have a hard time wanting to connect.   I don't want to be connected to anything.   I don't want the light in my house.  I don't want to talk to other people.   I don't want to leave my house or my bed.  I want to be alone.   I want to be separate.  It is almost like an instinct.   Close yourself off.  Try to heal.  Try to make sense out of why you feel this way.

 

 

 

According to NAMI, approximately 6.7 percent of American adults- about 14.8 million people live with major depression.

 

When I am depressed, it is hard to talk and be social with other people.    I feel tired and weary to my bones and my soul.   It is hard to make small talk.   It is hard to laugh.   It is hard to 'put on a happy face' and mask what you are really feeling to the world.   

 

I don't often naturally want to be social at all when I am depressed.   I will often turn down invitations.   I will miss activities.    Sometimes, I seem to miss the whole day.

 

 

What is helpful for a depressed person?

 

 

 I believe that medication is an important tool to use against depression.   Without medication, I personally was unable to overcome depression.   I take medication for bipolar disorder.  It does help with depression.   But some days, I still feel depressed.   Sometimes there is not a reason.   I just wake up and I feel different.   Most of the time, it evens out in a couple of days.  But I have to use some coping skills to get through this time.   These are the things that have helped me fight depression:

 

When I am depressed,  I find it helpful to talk to a trusted friend or family member.   Someone who understands depression, and who will listen.   It is important to find someone who will listen without judgment or criticism.  Someone who will listen without telling you to 'just cheer up'.    

 

 

When I am depressed, I find it helpful to force myself to be connected.   I fight my instincts.   I open my curtains.   I get out of bed.   I shower, and get dressed and leave the house to do SOMETHING.  Anything.   Just to get up and make my body get going.    I completely engross myself in whatever I am doing.   If I am pulling weeds, I pull those weeds mindfully.   I think about the feeling of the weed in my hand, the way the dirt feels on my skin.   The sounds in the yard.   The way my knees feel as they make a connection with the earth.    Soon, I feel less heavy.  But it is not like the depression magically goes away.  But it does lift slightly.    I may have to force myself for several days.  But eventually, it begins to subside.

 

 

 

 

When I am depressed, I find it helpful to do something I enjoy.   I treat myself.   Maybe I will window shop, or go swimming, or go to a movie.   I try to do something that does not require a lot of concentration on my part, since my mind feels muddled.  I try to pick an activity that is out of the ordinary, and something that really makes me happy when things are good.   It does not feel good at first, but usually, the depression will lift slightly.

 

When I am depressed, I find it helpful to get some sunlight, eat some healthy food and make sure that my physical body is maintained.   It is easy to not eat, or eat strange things when I am depressed.   It is also easy to not shower, or get dressed.    I push myself to make a meal.   A healthy meal.   To get dressed and get some sunlight. Sometimes, physical activity will help.  So I go for a walk, or swim. 

 

When I am depressed, I find it helpful to try and volunteer.  Sometimes, if I can give to someone else, it makes me feel better.  I feel worthwhile.   I feel necessary.   Usually, volunteering involves a specific activity.   I can often get engrossed in this activity, and for a few minutes, I get some relief from my depression.

 

 

When I am depressed, I find it helpful to watch for signs of 'warning' within myself.  I watch for feelings of despair.   For those times when I want to die.  Or, if I feel like I can't go on with life.  If I have those feelings, I have an immediate action plan.   I may call to get an appointment with a medication provider, or I may call a trusted family member or friend.  I take quick and decisive action.  Taking this action not only helps me with the depression, it also helps me to feel like I can do what it takes to take care of me.    I know who to call, and I know when to call.   This keeps me in the driver's seat.   And being in the driver's seat is very important for me, because it helps me to feel like I am competent.   Like I am up to the task.    Like I can live well, even when I have the weight of the world within my soul.

 

I didn't always feel this way.   I used to feel helpless against depression.   I didn't know what to do with it.  I don't ever want to feel that way again.   I still have to work against depression.   I have to work very hard sometimes.   But for me, it is worth it.    Because I don't want depression to win.

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Keep going. 

Even when you don't feel like trying.  That is the time to try the hardest.

 

 

 

 



 



One Butterfly's Struggle

Butterflies are a beautiful symbol of change and growth.  My daughter recently got one of those butterfly hatching kits.   We have been watching them change and grow everyday.   They began to 'hatch' this week.  Most of them struggle and then emerge from their hanging chrysalis and spread their wings until they are ready to fly.

One butterfly had a different journey. 

This butterfly's chrysalis broke off at the top when it was struggling to get free.   For the past two days, it has been gradually freeing itself bit by bit from the chrysalis.  It has been a rough struggle.  Just today, the butterfly got it's head out, and can now walk around the habitat.  This got me to thinking.   Life is full of struggles.  But sometimes, for whatever reason, we may struggle a little more than others.  Change may be a bit more of a battle for us.

At first, I felt bad for this butterfly.    I wanted to try and free it from it's chrysalis.   But I was worried I might harm it in the process.  So I kept checking on it, and hoped that it would be okay.

 

 

But now, I admire this butterfly.   This butterfly is a fighter.   The struggle has made it strong.

 

My struggles have made me strong too.   

 

 

 

 

Sometimes life seems full of struggles and storms.   Sometimes it seems like other people don't have to struggle as much as we do.  

 

 

I don't know why these hard times come.   But they do.   I often hate them when they are here.   But I try to have faith that better times will come, and that the storm will diminish.  Some of my greatest struggles have brought me the greatest gifts.  And, in their own way, they have made me stronger.  This is what gives me hope when I can't see the sun.

 

And I know that I am a fighter.  It could be that mental illness was my broken chrysalis.   I had to struggle a little more to emerge alive.  It held me in it's grasp for a time.  I had to struggle to stand up.  But now I am strong.  I believe in my ability to handle life.  I have faith in a better tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now, a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

When you can't see the sun, faith and hope become your light.

 

 

 



 

Tell Ed and the Hag to shut up and get out!

 

 

Ever been mean to yourself?   I sure have.   I have even surpassed mean and gone straight to abusive.

Anything can set it off.   A television commercial.   A movie.   A reflection in the mirror.   The look on someone's face.  The attack can go on for days, and even months.    If left unchecked, this can turn into an episode of depression.  

 

I don't really know why I tend to do this to myself.    Is it because of bipolar?   My childhood?   Or is it just my personality?   Maybe it is some combination of all of these things.   But for whatever reason, I seem to want to rip into myself and tear myself apart.

 

Most of the self abuse centers around my weight, or my performance on the job.   If left unchecked, this abuse will turn into episodes of shame and usually binge eating.

 

This is something I am working very hard to correct in my life.    Recently, I read a book that really helped me.    It is called Life without Ed; How one woman declared Independence against her eating disorder and how you can too, by Jenni Schaefer.  In this book, Jenni begins to think of her eating disorder as a man.   He is an abusive man, and his name is Ed.  As in, E.D. for eating disorder.   Ed is really a creep.   He cuts her down every day and tells her what to eat.  Sometimes he won't let her eat for days and sometimes he makes her eat everything.

 

I loved the idea of thinking of my struggle with eating this way.   I hate Ed.   He is a giant ass.   I am so ready to kick him to the curb and walk away.   I have had a long relationship with Ed.   He came into my life when I was 11 years old.    He has tortured me every day since. He likes to tell me how ugly and fat I am.   He likes to tell me to not buy food that I like.  He also tells me to eat things I don't want to eat.   He tells me that I can never be loved.

 

Ed isn't the only one who is abusive.   Along with Ed is his gal pal Hag.    Hag stands for Horrible, Arrogant Gertrude.    She likes to tell me that I am not good enough.   That I do substandard work.  That everyone hates me.   She is always on me to try harder, to do better.   Between Ed and Hag, most of the time, I am just plain worn out.   And scared.    I sometimes don't want to go anywhere, or meet any new people. 

 

But that is beginning to change.

 

I have a new perspective.

The idea of thinking of this constant criticism inside of me as people really worked for me.   I stole the idea of Ed from Jenni's book, but I named Hag all on my own.   She is the perfectionist in me.  Both Ed and Hag are terrible people.   If they were real people, I would not have them in my life. 

 

And for me, that has been the key.   

 

 

I tell Ed and Hag to shut up several times a day.   And, it works.    I also leave myself kind notes.   Dry erase markers work very well on mirrors.   I write myself 'love notes' on my mirrors.   It seems really odd, but I have really needed to do this.   I have spent most of my life with Ed and Hag.   It takes effort to keep them out.   And it is so worth it!  

 

Some days are better than others, but I have made more progress than ever before in my life.   So thank you Jenni for your amazing book.   It is changing my life!

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

You are a thing of beauty!