grey skies, bad days, hard moods...

Why, Why, Why do I hate myself so much?    It seems like I will be fine and dandy and then Bang, out of nowhere, I feel like a worthless piece of crap and spend all day hating myself, hating my life, and struggling just to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel this horrible grey mood move in on my soul.   It seems like the monster in a horror flick, just continuing to pursue me, even when I thought I was safe and had gotten away.  During these times, I feel fearful and uncertain.   I feel weighted down and sad.   I usually hate myself during these grey moods.

I feel this way even with medication and therapy and coping skills.    Some days I grow tired of feeling this way, and I have been searching for a cure for a large part of my adult life.   Some days seem like they are just a struggle, and that is the part that makes me want to scream "It's just not fair!"

I struggle to accept that I have feelings like this and that some days are hard.   In my new quest to be more mindful and to watch my judgment thoughts,  I am learning to give myself permission to be me.  Me with all of my insecurities, fears and self hatred.    Part of this permission includes the fact that I try as hard as I can to not feel this way, and sometimes, in spite of everything, I still feel this way.    And that is okay.

I struggle to accept the fact that I have to work really hard to maintain my wellness on these days.  It feels like trying to run a marathon uphill with weights tied to your limbs while facing 50 mph head winds.    I just want to give up and stop trying to fight.  But then, I remember that I can't give up.   I need to keep going for myself and for my family.

So what do I do with these hard days?    Well, tonight I am going to take a good long look at the thoughts swirling around in my head.   Where am I judging myself mercilessly?  What are the facts and what are the emotions?    Then I think I will distract myself with something fun.   Something opposite of the emotions that I am feeling.   I am feeling down, and hopeless and pointless and worthless.   So I might watch a comedy on television, or read an uplifting  story, or play a fun board game with my daughter. 

Finally, I will try to do a mindful activity, both because I said I would on this blog, and also because I know it will work.   I am going to do some yoga from my curvy yoga site that includes some loving kindness towards myself.   I really need all of the loving kindness I can find.   That can stop that horrible inner voice that seems to want to rip me to shreds.

It does bother me that I have to work hard to be well.   But, in reality, we all do.  Mental illness or no mental illness, everyone has bad days.   Everyone has times where they feel worthless, like they are just spinning their wheels for no reason.   Sometimes we all struggle to put one foot in front of the other.   At least, I can feel grateful that I know some coping skills that really work for me.   I can keep on trying out these skills when times are tough.   There will be blue skies ahead for me.   This funk, or bad mood time will pass, and the joy will come back into my life.  Until then, I will take each day as it comes, and work hard to change the things that I can.  I know the grey days can't last forever.

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Some days are just hard.

Sometimes you will have moods that don't want to yield.

These are the times to use your skills to keep going, and let the hope of a better tomorrow do the rest.

This too, shall pass.   There are better times ahead.

 

 

 

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I waited to write this part after I had done my mindfulness activity, to see if it helped to improve my mood.  It was hard to make myself participate in this activity.   Every fiber of my being did not want to do it.   I just wanted to give in to the hopeless feelings and dark mood.   But, as with most of my coping skills, I pushed myself to try something.   I wanted to see if it could make a difference, even on a very dark and hard day.

 

I decided to do the curvy yoga video segment on body love and loving kindness.   It is 30 minutes long and uses a chair for most of the poses.   I noticed several things while doing yoga.   I focused on what my body felt like and not what it looked like.    I breathed deep and did not push myself.   I also noticed that I felt uncomfortably full.   Today was rough.   I comforted myself in my usual way, with food.   For the first time, I feel too full.   I can see how that so called 'comfort' is just self punishment in disguise.   I never saw it that way before. 

 

After doing the yoga, my body feels much more relaxed and limber.    I feel like I dropped some of the stress I'd been carrying around.   My stomach feels over full, and I am not judging myself for that.   This was a new awareness for me - one that I needed to feel much more than to know.   I felt deep within my soul how much this was hurting me, instead of reading it, or knowing it on an intellectual level only.

 

My mood is still low, but the sadness feels much easier to deal with.  It feels less heavy, and it seems like it is easier to set it aside.    I am going to continue to be nice to myself.   I can feel that I am tired, and I am going to let myself rest.   Tomorrow is a brand new day!

 

My mindfulness today was like a light at the end of a tunnel.    It eased the darkness, it made me aware of things I could not see before, and it gave me the promise of hope.

 

 

 



The Power of And

It doesn't take much, just 2 or 3 upcoming changes in my life and I get afraid.   Afraid of the future and my place in the world.    I don't really know all of the reasons why I tend to do this, and I suppose it wouldn't really matter if I knew, because the reality is that I feel uncertain and down. 

 

I try to deal with these feelings in several ways, so that they don't get the best of me. 

First, I try to force myself to spend an equal amount of time thinking that things will work out great, as I do thinking that they will be horrible.    I tell myself that the future does not exist, so if I am going to put some worry thoughts out there, then I can also put some great thoughts out there.

I also try to ground myself in the present moment through an activity like meditation or yoga.   I will probably need to do both today, because I don't like myself very much today.  Spending time in the present moment usually helps me to get out of my slump and back into life.

I will also find something to do today, to get myself out of the house or busy.   The weekends are perfect for this, because I usually have a lot of house cleaning to do anyway, and I can play some fun music, clean the house and then maybe go to a convenience store for a pop after. 

I am also try to use the word 'and' instead of the word 'but'.   I heard this suggestion from a co-worker and it really does make me feel better.   I tend to like to kick myself for not being perfect.  So, if I am worrying about something, I will kick myself for worrying and not being more Zen.      So instead of saying " I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" or "I feel worried about the future, but I know what to do to feel better", I will change the but for the and.    Why?   The and opens doors.   The and lets you be you, will all of your imperfections and flaws.   The and gives you permission to be human. 

Let's  take those statements again.   If I tell myself "I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" , I am telling myself that I should not be worried about the future and that I am stupid and a failure for having these thoughts, especially when I know what to do to help myself.    This is judgment, and it makes me feel like crap.   

If I change that but to an and, then I have permission to hold both of these beliefs at one time, and that more accurately reflects reality.   " I feel worried about the future, and I know that the future does not yet exist"  or "I feel worried about he future and I know what to do to feel better" both give me permission to have my feelings.   They give me permission to be human and to know how to fix my mindset.   They make it acceptable to be myself and to have the feelings that I have without judgment.    And they help me to feel so much better.

So I am going to help myself out today by cleaning my house, relaxing, grounding myself in the present moment, and by changing by 'but' to 'and'.

Try using and in your life.   See if it makes a difference in how you feel and think about yourself and your life.

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

All of us wonder about the future sometimes.   Try to wonder both positive and negative if you are worried about the future.   Try to ground yourself in the now and put the future on a shelf.

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I sat for a moment this morning and just noticed the beauty of my surroundings.   I listened to the sounds outside on this cool and calm morning.    I noticed the sounds of my daughter playing and the sounds of my cats sleeping.    I have a beautiful life.  

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday Everyone!

I don't know about you, but I love to just relax and spend time with family on Friday night.   Tonight I am going to cook a nice dinner, put my feet up and maybe watch a movie with my daughter.

Part of staying well for me involves knowing when to leave work at the office.   Sometimes, this is easier said than done.   Our work lives can sometimes be stressful.   Office politics can be very hard to deal with and sometimes work can be full of changes and uncertainty.    I am lucky that I have a job that I love.   I have worked some places that I hated every minute, and couldn't wait to run out of the door.   I tend to over think things in my life, and I really have to watch it or I will work when I am at home, or just not leave work at work.

Fridays are my time to play and just let go of the work week stress.  What will you do with your Friday?

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Everyone needs time to play,

 

 

 

time to spend with friends and family,

 

and time to relax.

Make sure to set aside some time in your life just for fun!

Middle Beauty

I don't know about you, but when I am frustrated, upset or just annoyed I tend to vacillate between extremes.

I will have goals and work obsessively to meet them.   Then I will read that you can't force life, or I sense that I am forcing, and I let go of my goals to the extent that I no longer try and then kick my own butt for trying so hard and wanting to have goals in the first place.

Or I will feel like I really want something in my life that I do not have or want to change, and then feel guilty that I can't just like things the way that they are. 

What happens in these situations is that I bounce from one side to the other, and then feel guilty for having been to both sides.   I am trying to learn to walk in the middle.

 

 

What do I mean by the middle?   I mean that I can both work toward my goals and let go of the outcome of those goals.    I mean that I can want things that I do not have and yet be happy as I am right now in this moment.    I mean that I can want to change certain situations in my life and yet accept those situations as they are in my life right now.

 

This concept of the middle is new to me.    I have long yearned for balance in my life.   I've often known that I am out of whack.     I know that I tend to go back and forth between extremes.    I try to let go of things to the point of feeling guilty that I wanted them in the first place.   

 

I really like the middle, because it is a gentle and kind place to be.   For example, I can think things like:  I want to go to your party, and I also really need some sleep.    Or, I really like you a lot, and I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship.    This whole way of thinking allows me to be me.   It gives me permission to be myself as I truly am.

 

I am a human.   I am imperfect.    I like impermanent things.  I want things.   But, I also want to let go, I want to accept life as it is, and yet, I really want to change my life.   All of these things are okay.  I don't have to feel guilty for being me.

 

I am okay right now, just as I am, and I need to work hard to change.

 

And that is beauty.

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

We all have to find our own path in life.

Does your path give you permission to be yourself?

 

 

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

 

There are many changes coming in my life.   Some changes are easier to accept than others.   Some of these changes bring up thoughts of fear and scarcity within me.   I feel insecure and overlooked in the face of these changes.    I feel anxious.   My mindfulness for today was to put a stop to these thoughts and feelings within myself.   I stopped and checked the facts.   I described the facts verses my feelings about the facts.    I don't really know what is going to happen in the future, but I can stop myself from worrying thoughts that make me miserable today.

 

 

 





Bad Day Makeover

Do you ever just have one of those days?    Those days that leave you frustrated, and just make you feel like crying on the couch in your fat pants while you eat ice cream?   Usually, for me, those days are a series of either frustrating or hurtful events.

Today was one of those days for me.

Actually, this whole week has kind of been a series of challenging days.   Bad days used to throw me off course.  They used to just kind of fester in my mind, as I went over and over the events, feeling the hurts and stewing about the situations.  I would keep thinking about things, until I was lost in fear, or in my dire predictions of the future, based on my hurt and frustration.

Pretty soon, I would begin to feel worthless.   I would feel like I was failing at life, and just somehow not up to the task.   Of course, at times like this, everything in everyone else's life seems like a rosy path.   They all seem to be perfect, and perfectly happy people who handle everything beautifully and never have bad days, frustration, or messed up lives.

Soon, all of these thoughts about being less than everyone else, and a miserable failure and isolation would build up in me, and I would begin to feel depression creeping into my life.   My cup of frustration and anguish was full, so to speak, and any little drop, or tiny little event just would cause me to overflow.  Sometimes, I have even felt like I was falling off the end of the world, lost and alone.

 

I would feel upside down, like my world was off kilter and I was too tired and overwhelmed to get myself back on course.

 

 

I still have frustrating days.    I still really tend to take things and situations VERY, VERY PERSONALLY.    The frustration and hurt can build and build in me until I am like a whistling tea kettle ready to blow.   But things are beginning to change.    I notice signs in myself now, signs that tell me that I am going in a direction that I do not want to go.   I also have learned some new coping skills for dealing with this kind of frustration.    I still feel frustrated, and even hurt sometimes, but I do not feel like a failure.  I look at my perception of events more often, and I cheerlead myself by looking at another point of view, or telling myself that I am dealing with life the best that I can.

 

I also have increased my enjoyment of life in general by giving myself permission to be human.   By soothing myself when I have a bad day.   I rest if I need to.   I call a trusted friend or a loving family member if I need to talk to someone, or just need someone to listen.    I distract myself from the frustration and hurt by doing something fun or creative, or just relaxing by reading a book or watching a movie.    When I distract myself from my thoughts and feelings of frustration and hurt, I get some space and cushion from the pain of the situation.     After I get this cushion, things usually look better.    The hurt I was feeling seems to diminish.

 

I guess I am learning that life happens.    Life is frustrating sometimes, for everyone.   Sometimes people say and do hurtful things.   I am not alone in my frustration, my hurt, or even my feelings of somehow being less, or not measuring up somehow.   Everyone feels these feelings.  

 

I am learning how to give my bad days a makeover. 

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Life Happens.

Bad Days Happen.

 

Sometimes you have to find a friend and get some support and understanding.

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

I was very frustrated today.   I knew I needed to do something before I began to feel overwhelmed.  I decided to use my mindfulness time to see if I could help myself to feel better and less frustrated.

I decided to focus all of my energy on what I was doing in that moment.   I was driving.   I drove one mindfully with all of my intent.   When a thought came into my head, I pushed it aside and focused on driving and on my five senses.   I thought about how the steering wheel felt in my hands, how the seat felt against my body.   I heard the song on the radio, and the sound of my car and the air conditioner as I drove.   I focused on the task at hand and kept my thoughts out.   I also made sure to take a couple of deep and soothing breaths.
I found that this really did help, even though it sounds pretty corny.   I felt much more calm and less emotional.   I got out of all of the buzz in my head and just drove and was fully present in that moment in time.

 

 

Watch your Language

Watch your language!   Mind your language!   How often have you heard that in your life?

For me, I mostly heard this when I said a cuss word at home or at school.   But how much of an impact does our language really have?   A lot!   A whole lot. 

Yesterday, I stumbled across this article about person first language for mental health disorders.  You can see the article by clicking here.

This article discusses the importance of person first language in terms of labeling ourselves with a mental illness.    I for one, have heard of person first language before.   In my day job, I am a peer support specialist.    I work for a community mental health center.   I work with people, who like me, have a mental illness.   These people, like me, are more than just a mental illness.   They are people first.    Members of a community.   Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Spouses, Siblings.   They are more than a label.  I know this person first language, and it was a part of my job training.   But how often do I catch myself, often when introducing myself at work as:  I am Bipolar?   Often.  

Saying that I am Bipolar began a long time ago for me.   Back when I was first diagnosed.  Bipolar really did define me then.   It does not define me now.   I see it as only a part of myself.   It is not the sum total of all of my parts.   So why do I still use the phrase:   I am Bipolar?     Habit.
But this is a habit that I need to break.    Especially in my job.    I want to model that Bipolar is not me.   It is just a label.   It is not my definition.  I am many things.   I am many wonderful things, and I also happen to have or live with Bipolar.    Bipolar is not my life.  It is a part of my life.  A small part.

So for all of you out there:   Watch your Language today.   Watch what you are saying about yourself.   About who you are.

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

You are an amazing being.   You are important to many people.

Why put a definition on yourself?

Use Person First Language with yourself.

You deserve it!

 

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

 

Today I had some frustrating events when I got home.  Things were not working like I wanted them to.   Usually, I get pretty grouchy when I am frustrated.   I sat down and breathed in and out up to the count of ten and then back down again before I dealt with my frustrations.   It helped me to feel calmer.

 

 

 

I also decided to eat dinner mindfully with my daughter.   I focused on the present moment using my five senses, and fully giving her all of my attention in that moment.   It was a nice dinner.   She is growing up before my eyes, and it gave me a chance to just enjoy that moment fully with her.   I also noticed that the food tasted marvelous, and that I ate less and felt satisfied earlier than normal.   All in all, it was one of my top meals of all time!

 



Resistance of Me

Yesterday I decided to begin a daily journey of mindfulness.  Why?  To save my life.

 

Inside of me there is a terrible woman.

She hates me.

She rips into me as much as she can.

 

 

I always knew she was there.   But I didn't realize how much until I began my mindfulness practice for the day.

 

 

Today, for my mindfulness practice, I decided to do some yoga from the Curvy Yoga website. I signed up for a monthly service that gives you two to three guided yoga sessions.   The one for July centered on loving-kindness towards yourself.

 

I first noticed my inner hatred when I watched a beginner video about modifications for yoga poses and moving the flesh for more comfort.   I have a book called Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.   This book goes through the same things as this video.   Yet, in the times I have done yoga, I have not tried these modifications.  Why?   Because I do not want to be fat.    I do not like or accept my body or myself as I am.   Maybe even on some level I want discomfort.

 

Today, I did the modifications.   They helped.   They gave me comfort.

 

 

In the video on loving-kindness towards yourself, we did several poses using a chair.    At first, I felt anger about this.   I can do down dog like any one else!   I can push and push until I am in that position, ignoring the pain.    I realized by doing it on a chair and going through that Curvy Yoga video that I have not been kind to my body.

 

Something happened to me during that video.    I was kind to myself and my body.  Reluctantly kind, if I am honest, but kind.   My body feels great, without pain or forcing myself into things that are too challenging.    Also, in the video, we contemplated or meditated upon a quotation about 'being myself in the world."     I wrote this quotation on my mirrors with a dry erase marker.    I want to remember those words when I heap judgment upon myself at the mirror.

 

I will revisit this yoga video throughout the month.   I need it.   It brought me to an awareness of the resistance inside of myself.   Resistance of Me.   Resistance of my body.   Resistance of the space my body fills.   Resistance to being kind to myself and my body.   

 

 

I did not realize this resistance was there to the extent that it is.   I feel stressed about this.   I have been working so long to accept myself as I am.   But, there is a subtle change within me, like a light has been turned on in a dark room.    I have an awareness.   That is a change.

 

One day at a time Mindfulness:

 

 

Today,  my mindfulness practice gave me a light.  This light was needed in a very dark place.   I now have a new awareness.  This awareness is uncomfortable, but necessary.  This awareness showed me something new about myself that I did not know. 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Get a new perspective.  Who knows what you might see!