The New Normal

 

Bipolar came into my life like a tornado.  It ripped things apart and left me with some devastation for a while.  I struggled with coping with bipolar.   I struggled with finding a balance in my moods.  I struggled with life.

Normal was gone.   For a long time I hated myself and this illness.  For a long time, I lived only in the illness.   Bipolar ruled my life.   I thought about it every moment of every day.   I was trying so hard to understand it and cope with it, that it took over everything.    It ruled me and it defined me.

After time and medication, it was no longer at the forefront.    I began to think about things I enjoyed doing, kind of like in an afterthought, like "oh yeah, I used to love to sew" and "why haven't I done this in so long?"    It was like I was waking up after a long sleep. I began to slowly get back into life, to slowly get back to doing things that I enjoyed.

In many ways, doing these things has made me well. 

Sewing, decorating, cooking, gardening, photography, hiking, snowshoeing: all of these things are a part of a set of tools I use to keep myself well.    I pull them out and use them on those days when depression feels like it is about to pull me down into the depths.    I also use them when I am going up into mania, but with restrictions and limits.   So that I am not up sewing and sewing for days and days.  How can simple hobbies help someone be well?

If you are doing things that you like to do, you are tapping into strengths and resources that you already have, or skills that you are honing.    You are focused on the positive, and on possibilities. 

You are also experiencing joy and contentment.   You might also boost your self worth by seeing what you have accomplished.

You are in the present moment.    If you are completely engrossed in doing something, you get out of your head space.  It is nice to leave all of those thoughts for a while.

Now, I am by no means saying that if you have a mental illness, that all you need to do is to 'get to crafting' and that everything will be bright and shiny and you will be just fine.

There are many things that build a life of wellness and get you back to your 'new normal'.  But they do play a role.   At least, they have for me.   I found myself again by doing the things that I love, and by using my strengths.    I feel like a normal person again when I am out hiking and looking for things to photograph.

 

 

I also see beauty in the world and in myself when I do the things that I enjoy.

I use these things as lifelines against depression.   I get up and out of bed, and force myself out the door to go and do anything, but usually it is something that brings me a lot of joy.  Like going swimming, or working on a project with my daughter. 

 

 

For me, my hobbies are a part of my coping skills and they are my wellness tools.  When I am out there doing something enjoyable and am focused on my strengths and abilities, bipolar takes it's proper place.   It is something that I live with and deal with, but it is not my life.   I pay attention to it, or it can get out of hand.   But I don't give it all of my time.  I don't allow it to steal all of my moments.

 

This for me, is my new normal.    This in many ways, has saved my life. 

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

The moments of your life belong to you. 

What are you going to spend them doing?



 

 

 

Out of the Shadows

Stigma thrives in the shadows. We need to bring mental illness into the light.  We need to work together to change minds.

I am a member of NAMI, and I got an email last night that included a link to a brand new documentary about mental illness made by the state of California.    California has an exciting new mental health awareness campaign called  'Each Mind Matters'.  This movement created a wonderful documentary called "A New State of Mind; Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness".   The documentary features mental health consumers and is narrated by Glenn Close who is a family member of a consumer, and a mental health advocate.

This documentary is nearly an hour, but it is well worth your time.   I am not the greatest with technology and I could not get this video to upload directly to my blog.  After about an hour of frustration, I decided that I would just link you to it.  The link will open a new tab on your browser.  You can view the video by clicking here.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank California.   This video was funded by a voter approved Mental Health Services Act, or Prop 63.   Bravo!  Thank you to the taxpayers of California for making a documentary like this possible.   Thank you for highlighting the strength, courage and humanity of people who live with mental illness every day.

This type of message is exactly what it is going to take to improve mental health in the United States.  We can't have a conversation or national dialogue about mental illness until we do something to reduce stigma.   It is hard to have a conversation only in whispers. 

We can't keep expecting mental health to improve without addressing the issue of Stigma.   Statistically, one out of every four people has a mental illness.   Chances are you work, live, and share life with someone who has a mental illness every day.  Wouldn't it be great if they didn't have to deal with that illness in silence? That is my hope!

 

 

 

 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

 

You are beautiful just as you are, right now, in this very moment.



 

 

 

The Bad and the Beautiful

Ever run into one of those people who are just closed off?  They are just stuck in their ways, and they don't want to even consider change, or take a different approach?

I ran into one of those people yesterday, and it is exceptionally difficult when I meet them in a mental health setting.   I am a product of the mental health system.    I can see some ways that it works very well and I can see some ways that it doesn't work well at all.   After running into to a very closed off person, I can see why the system is slow to change. 

I believe that the focus in mental health services needs to be on the individual receiving services and on what interventions they might need to become successful and meet their goals.   But often I think the focus is on the service provider and their belief system and what they have as goals.  Until the focus changes, I do not think that mental health services will be able to progress.   Customer service matters.  People matter.   People will always be more important than programs.

 I was very angry after hearing this person speak, and I ended up brooding over their words for a long time.   I even began to allow those words to shape my perception of myself and my beliefs.   For awhile, I even allowed myself to think "this has been a crappy day, and everything just sucks."

But then, I remembered my DBT skills.   Well, I should say, I remembered my DBT skills after I sort of let my emotions be in charge for several hours.  But, the point is, that I did at least remember these set of skills and did use them to take a new view of the entire situation.

DBT has made a huge difference in my life.   I no longer allow something like this to ruin my whole day, and then to go on to make my whole life seem like it is full of garbage.   DBT helps me with this in two ways.

First, I am able to get into a space where I can access my rational self and not just my emotional self.   This is called wise mind.    It is an intersection of your logical mind and your emotional mind.   My emotional mind is very powerful, and it has been in charge of my life for a very long time.   It takes a lot of effort on my part to keep it on a leash, so to speak.  In my wise mind frame of thought, I can remember that a lot of good things happened in that same day.   And those good things were also in a mental health setting.     There were far more good things than bad things in that day.

Second, I am able to look at the facts, verses my perception of the facts.   Before learning DBT, I looked at my perceptions of things as truth.   Now I am learning to pause and reflect more on what actually happened.   I look at the spin I put on things.  I just don't always do this right away, and I don't do it perfectly every time.    But, I allow myself to learn.   I don't have to do everything perfect, everyday, all of the time.    I can make mistakes, and I can learn from them.  That's how to grow.

So I guess I can count today as a day of growth.   Because I did allow that grouchy mood to take over for awhile, and I did dump it on a couple of people.   But I reeled it back in.   And that never used to happen.   I used to take my bad days and turn them into bad months.   So, all in all, it is still progress. And it really was a beautiful day.   I just had to focus to be able to see it clearly.

I would like to leave you with a song.  It is one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite bands.  Here is U2's Beautiful Day:

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Be Cool.

Sometimes you have to cool down, take a breath and check the facts.

 

 

Have an absolutely beautiful day everyone! 



The lunacy of heart attacks

Let's pretend for a moment that a genetic heart condition or heart disease is treated in the same way mental illness is treated.  What would that look like?

No one would talk about heart disease or any kind of history of heart disease in families.   It would be shameful to have heart disease or to inherit it.

You would only receive treatment for heart disease, if and when, you actually had a heart attack.  You would have to be 'in crisis'.    There would be no preventative medicine, and no pre-screening.

No one would come to visit you in the hospital when you have a heart attack.  Some of your friends would not understand.   You may lose friends, and some of your family may no longer talk to you.

Your parents and family might argue about 'which side of the family is at fault' for carrying the heart disease gene.

Many people might know or suspect that they have heart disease.  But they won't go in for services.   That would mean they were 'weak', or they just couldn't bear to live with the shame associated with having heart disease.

You might receive medication for your heart disease, but it is very expensive.  You will also have to go to talk to a therapist about why you have heart disease.  If you happen to be poor, you will have to see a therapist and possibly attend group sessions in order to get your heart mediations.  Whether you want therapy or not.

There would be an assumption that 'you lack certain life skills' because of your heart disease.   After all, studies have shown that people who have heart disease do not handle stress as well as people who do not.  As a result of this information, you will attend heart disease skill groups.   You will attend them no matter what.  It does not matter how educated or informed you are.  You will have to go to cooking and grooming groups with EVERY OTHER PERSON who has heart disease.  No flex is given in the material that is presented.   The materials are all written at a third grade level to meet all heart disease patients' cognitive level.

You will need to change all of your habits and ways of living.  If you knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be in this situation.   You will need to change how you live.

It is obvious that you need some instruction on how to eat properly.  Please take your group time to do the 'search a word' jumble on the 4 food groups.    After all, only unhealthy people have heart attacks.  After your 'search a word' activity, please make a macaroni art picture of your heart and discuss how you feel about your disease.   Somehow, this activity will help you not to have a heart attack.  Don't you like it?  Why not?

Sometimes, people who have heart attacks kill people while driving.   You are a menace to society.   There is talk on the news about not allowing known heart disease patients to drive or even be near cars.    There are also a lot of television shows and movies about 'the heart diseasers' and how they like to run over innocent people with their cars.

Some people are afraid of you.   You are afraid to tell people about your heart disease.  You begin to lose hope and think that you do not really have a 'life' anymore.   You are shy about meeting new people, or trying to date.  You only talk about your heart disease in whispers.

You are known as your disease to the community and to health care providers.   If you go in to see a doctor about another condition, he sees the heart disease on your chart, or guesses at it from the medicine you are taking.   He won't listen to you when you tell him that your knees hurt.   He tells you "you know if you would just change everything about your life your knees would not hurt. We all know how you are, and how you can't handle any kind of stress."  He would then tell you "you seem like a really emotional person, who likes to exaggerate about things."

You are encouraged to attend 'community integration' groups with other heart diseasers.    You will be in the community, but you will only be there with other people who are just like you.   Who have your same disease.   The normal people who have healthy hearts will not accept you.   You must only go bowling with other heart patients.    But hey, at least you are in the community.  Why are you complaining?

You wonder to yourself, why am I at fault for having heart disease?   Didn't I inherit this?  Why is everything I want to do wrong?   Why do I feel ashamed that I was born this way?  Why can't I be like other people?

Everyone wants to talk about how heart disease is the cause of violence.  How people who have it should be locked up or discarded.  Bu,t all of the funding to help you, gets cut.  Over and over.  No money for services.  Yet somehow, it is still your fault if you end up having a heart attack.

Seems pretty crazy to think about heart disease this way right?   That's because it is crazy!

The way mental illness is treated in the United States is insane.  There is no shame in having a mental illness.   There is plenty of shame in the way mental illness is currently being 'handled'.


I had the opportunity to hear Patrick Kennedy speak about mental illness, the lack of treatment and funding and about stigma at a national mental  health conference a few months ago.   He is a consumer and a powerful advocate for mental health reform.  Here is a clip of him on 'Katie':

And finally, here is a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Sometimes you just have to take a stand.  We can make a difference.   We can change the way mental illness is perceived and treated.

Shameless

"I have a message for all of my fellow travelers...Yeah, I am a schizophrenic...and I absolutely refuse to be ashamed, I absolutely refuse to be ashamed for having a serious mental illness."  - Dr. Fred Frese

I heard this statement on a youtube video by Dr. Fred Frese.   It really got me thinking. I freely admit that I have a mental illness.   I didn't always, but I do now.  But can I really say that I refuse to be ashamed of my mental illness?    Some days the answer is yes.   But if I want to be loved or accepted by others, the answer is sometimes no.   When I feel stigma and prejudice from others, I do feel shame about my mental illness.  Shame for existing.   Shame for being broken.

I got to thinking:  What would it be like if I didn't feel ashamed?   What would it be like to be shameless?

So I thought I would make a list, a list of what I would act like, or do differently if I did not feel shame about having bipolar disorder.

Here it is.

1) I would accept myself exactly as I am.   I would not feel like I was less than anyone else.   I would not feel like I was defective.  Broken.

2) I would feel like people wanted to be around me.   That they wanted to be my friend, or love me.  They would seek me out because I am a kind person.   I am an interesting person.

3) I would not be ashamed to get any mental health services that I might need at any given time.   I would not walk in to a mental health clinic feeling like I am incapable of helping myself or balancing my life.  Just like I do not feel ashamed when I go to the doctor when I have a sinus infection, or strep throat.   I go and get the interventions that I need.   I do not feel less.   I do not feel like I am not capable.

4) I would believe in myself and in my abilities.    I would feel like a strong and capable person.   After all, I do live with an illness that alters my life experience.    I am a survivor.   I am adaptable.  I have learned many things.   I have weathered many trials.    I would no longer fear my ability to stand on my own and meet life head on.

5) I would not let anyone else be the captain of my ship.  I would be the captain.   I would listen to doctors, therapists, family members.   I would read many things.   I would make my own decisions and take into account the wisdom of others.   But I wouldn't let them set the course for my life, because I would feel capable and strong.

6) I would not continue to hide behind a wall of stigma that doesn't make sense.   I would be out there in the world, speaking about my illness.   I would be a voice of hope to others who might be struggling.  I would be a voice of truth to those who are uninformed.  I would come out of the shadows and make my voice heard.   I would strive to change minds, and challenge perceptions.

7) I would try to join with others to work for reform in mental health care services.   I would try to find solutions that work.  I would try to make a difference, to help someone who was alone and struggling.   I would tap into their inner wisdom and find what works for them.  

8) I would try to educate my community about life with a mental illness.   I would show them the face of a neighbor, and a trusted friend.   A quality employee, a volunteer.   A mother, a daughter and a sister.  I would show them that I am more like them than they think.   And I would not be afraid.

9) I would appreciate my own beauty.  Appreciate my unique contribution to my community, my state and the world.   I would no longer look at myself as a detriment, but as an asset.  A skilled worker.  Someone who has excellent coping skills.   Someone who has honed their tools of wellness.  Someone who is Able.

10) I would honor others, because I would be able to honor myself.   I would not look on others with the eyes of judgment, because I would not be looking at myself with the eyes of judgment.   I would see the strengths in others and the strengths in myself.

I think I like the idea of being shameless.   I think I am going to try it on.  
 What do you think?   Do you want to try on shameless with me? 
I bet they have it in just your size!

 

 



Tortilla Chip Wisdom

 

Just when you think hope is fading away, you often find it in unexpected place.   I found hope on a tortilla chip bag along with something else...

So, I love tortilla chips.  Love to make nachos with them, and dip them in salsa.   I bought a jumbo bag of Mission brand tortilla chips the other day and found something unexpected.  Wisdom!    I didn't notice when I purchased the bag, but it was a "wounded warrior" bag  and 10 cents of the purchase goes to the wounded warrior project.    On my bag of tortilla chips is the story of Brian and Amee.   Brian came back from Iraq with PTSD.    The wounded warrior project helped him with his PTSD, and his wife Amee, as well. 
 The story also states that "PTSD isn't a stigma."    I loved this!  Brian and Amee are pictured on the back of the bag and basically are coming forward to share their story and to tell how going in for services for PTSD and services for spouses and families have helped them.    Bravo Brian and Amee!   I think that you are an incredible example of strong people who refuse to feel shame for needing or seeking help.  And bravo to Mission Tortilla Chips for donating money to the wounded warrior project and for putting this information on their product packaging.

Many of our nation's heroes come back from war with either combat related PTSD or traumatic brain injury, or both.   Here is a staggering statistic from NAMI:

Although military members comprise less than 1 percent of the U.S. population, veterans represent 20 percent of suicides nationally. Each day, about 18 veterans die from suicide.

This situation has to change.  Stigma has to stop.   Even one suicide a day is one suicide too many.

 

Tell stigma to take a hike.   It's too stupid to be your friend anyway.

 

Frustration is in town, and it's on it's way to your house!

Yesterday was extremely frustrating for me.    I had unexpected company.   Company that likes to complain and criticize, but yet, deep at heart has good intentions.  Company that began calling early Sunday morning to announce that "we are on our way to your house now."     What?   You're Where?    I don't always handle surprises very well.   Especially if the surprises are full of judgment and criticism.     And if the surprises want to 'help me rearrange my shed.'

 I am not the most organized person.    My house is very clean and decorated in a lovely shabby chic manner.     But behind closed doors, like sheds and closets, my decorating style is just plain Sanford and Son.   But only worse.     My  surprise company is sort of more like Ikea.    Or those closet organizers.    So, it goes without saying that this was not the surprise I was looking for.    Not at all.

I wanted to sit on my couch in my jammie pants and sip my coffee and read a lovely book.    My head is clogged with pollen and I am having an asthma fest.    The last thing I want to do is rearrange my shed.    Or even think about my shed.    Or change the storm door glass to a screen.   Okay, well if I am honest with myself I did need help doing that one.    I struggle with 'how things work' sometimes.   Well, most times.    I am not coordinated.   

Normally, I would just completely crumble after this kind of visit.    I don't handle frustration very well.    I usually just end up crying, and throwing things, and saying the f word- far to much for polite society.  Then I feel guilty, or even feel shame about who I am.  Shame leads to other problems for me, like binge eating.   Or kicking myself in the butt over and over.   Cutting myself down in my head until I don't want to exist anymore.   

I have really been working hard to change all of that.   I am happy to say that I am making progress.    I didn't cry.   I didn't throw things.     I was grouchy and snippy.   But I was able to make it without dropping the f bomb, or eating the contents of my unorganized pantry.  Progress. 

I like seeing progress.   Progress makes me feel better about myself.   I feel like I can handle life a little better.  I feel less like a complete mess.  Except of course for the shed.  Most amazing of all, I do not feel ashamed! 

I am also getting better about giving myself time to calm down from a visit like this one.    I used to not allow myself any down time.   I just would force myself to keep on going with some lame excuse like, 'no one else needs to have like 3 hours to sit and stare after company'.   Well, who cares what everyone else needs?   I sure need to have some time to stare at the walls after a frustrating day.   And that is okay.   After all, this is my life. 

And, my shed is cleaner.    I can't promise it will stay that way!

And now for a message from our Life Coach Cats:

 

 

Life is full of surprises!   And so are my relatives!  It is okay to take time out.   It is okay to take care of yourself.  Take time to lick your wounds!   

  

When the Cat ate the Chameleon

 

 

I spent many years of my life as a chameleon.   I wasn't sure who I was, but I was real sure that I wanted to be liked.   I wanted to fit in.  And just like everything else in my life, the more I tried to fit in, the more I didn't.

Funny how things work out that way.    I got tired of being a chameleon after a while anyway.   It got old in a hurry.   I would change my opinions like the wind.   I would pretend to like things I wasn't very interested in.   I just got more and more lost.  And I felt more and more alone.  People can sense when you are not being yourself.   It makes them uncomfortable.   

 

My mood swings didn't help matters.  When I was manic, I really didn't give a crap if people liked me or not, because EVERYBODY LOVED ME!    I was amazing and funny and brilliant!   The more I talked, the more people sort of backed away.   And I kept moving forward.   And they kept backing away.   It didn't really work out.

 

When I was depressed, I just couldn't get myself out of the door to interact with people.   Most of the time, I just barricaded myself in my house.   If I did manage to get out the door, I didn't try to talk to people.    I couldn't really keep up with conversation anyway.   All of my energy was being spent on standing.    Standing and Blinking were just about all I could do.   I felt muddled.   Cloudy.

 

Add into the equation that all of this was going on while I was in college.   During that time of 'exploration'.   The time when most people try on new things, when they find themselves.   Discover who they are and what kind of interests they have.  My main interest was 'how do I get out of bed everyday?' Or, 'how can I keep from laughing during class?'   Once I was diagnosed, I went into a world of madness.    I lost interest in finding who I was.

 

And then, years later, I was back in the flow of life.   But I had no idea who I was.  So I watched people.    I watched to see if people liked them.  Then I copied them.   They were liked.    I wanted so much to be liked.   To fit in.   But it didn't work.   I still didn't fit in.    And then I felt even more isolated and different.  And, eventually I got tired of trying to be someone I wasn't.    It was draining and taxing.

 

I also kind of surrendered for awhile.   I thought "well, I just won't have friends then".     I quit trying so hard.    I also began to like myself a little more.  And slowly, I began to meet people.  People who knew me and liked me anyway!   What a big surprise that was!   I quit judging myself as much.   And I probably relaxed.  I also started spending time with cats.  Cats really are amazing creatures.   They really don't care if you like them or not.   They are who they are, and they are totally going to do what they want to do, when they want to do it. They are amazing role models.

 

 

I have been practicing being myself more.   This sounds weird, even to me.   But I really do have to practice this.    When you've spent your life changing like a chameleon, it is a big step to say what you really think.  Especially if you are doing this in front of someone you really like, and really want them to like you back.   I've learned through DBT to practice skills.  Practice until it becomes second nature.  So I keep on practicing being myself.   Saying what I think.   It really is liberating.   Through this practice, the cat finally ate the chameleon.  

 

I used to really worry that I had to fit in, or else I would become one of those 'crazy' cat ladies.   Funny how life turns out.    Cats have actually made me sane.

 

 

Rock on crazy cat lady!   Rock on with your bad self!

 

And now a message from our Life Coach Cats:

 





 

Can Crazy have friends?

 

It's hard to make friends when you feel like you don't belong.  "you need to build a support system, so just get out there and make friends."     How?

Mental illness is still a taboo subject, and it is agonizing to try and decide when to tell your friends.   Will they still be your friends after you tell them?   And this is just friendship, what about dating?   At what point in a relationship do you drop the "Oh yeah, by the way, I am crazy" bomb?  Do you wait until you think they love you?   Do you tell them towards the beginning?

 

 

One option in all of this is to just have relationships with people who have the same problems that you do.   This was often the method employed in mental health care systems.   "Come and socialize in a safe place with people just like you, so that you won't get hurt out there in society."    And, on some level it does work.    I don't have to worry that people will find out that I have a mental illness.   I can talk to someone with a similar experience to me. But I also don't ever get a chance to leave Bipolar at the door.   I don't want to take Bipolar out all of the time; take it to parties.   Take it on a date.   I want to forget about it sometimes. I want to feel like I belong.  I want to have friends that don't have Bipolar and friends that do.

 

Again, what if we compare mental illness with illnesses of the physical body.   This time, let's take diabetes.   Diabetes is a good example, because it changes your day to day life.  Usually there is some sort of daily medication or intervention of some sort.   People with diabetes also have to change some of the ways they live.   They have to learn to take care of themselves.   They have to live a life of wellness.   Just like people with mental illness.  But that is where the similarity stops.  Diabetics are not encouraged to only hang out with other diabetics.   You can talk about diabetes.   It is accepted as a 'real disease' and doesn't hang out in the shadows at social gatherings.    Diabetics can have friends.   They can date.    I'd bet that some of their friends have diabetes, and that some don't.

If they were to go into the hospital, or get really sick because of their diabetes, their friends would visit.   They would get cards and flowers.

 

What would happen in society if mental illness was accepted as just another illness?   What would happen if it came out of the shadows?  Then, I guess it would cease to be a 'big deal'.   The medical care for it would be equal to other medical care.   It would be a given that people who have it belong in society.   They would be treated with respect and dignity.   They could have friends.   They would probably go in for services more often, because services would not equal shame.

 

Here is an enlightening video from Ruby Wax.   She is a comedian that lives with depression.   Funny right?     I love this video because she points out how modern life lends itself to depression.   And she makes you think twice about stigma.

 



 

 

Well, I have to get going.   I am going to go have lunch with a friend.   A friend that does not have a mental illness.   A friend who knows that I do, and still wants to be my friend anyway.

Someday, it is my hope that it won't matter anymore that I have a mental illness.    And I won't have to agonize over telling my friends.   Hoping that they will still want to hang around me once they know.   Until that day, I like to ponder this quotation from Rumi:

 

You are not a drop in the ocean.

                                               You are the entire ocean in a drop.

 

When I think about this quotation, I feel less isolated.    I feel more connected.   And, I am probably a better friend and a more interesting person at the party, because Bipolar isn't at my side, whispering thoughts in my ear.  Thoughts like, 'you don't belong here'.    Or, 'once they know they won't like you anymore.'     The thing is, those thoughts can be true.   Stigma still exists.  But I am going to keep on trying to change that.   Even if I change minds one friend at a time.

 





Lessons from a heart shaped tree

 

 

I found this tree in the mountains.  It was in an area greatly affected by severe drought and pine beetles.  In the middle of a scene of devastation was a heart shaped tree.

I took the photo because I thought the heart shape was cool.   But then I began to reflect on that trip to the mountains.   It was a difficult trip to witness the dead trees.  Some had been cut down to protect from wildfires.   Some had fallen over with their massive roots pulled out of the ground as if by some unseen giant.   It was a brutal scene.   And it hurt me to the bone to look at the once green forest twisted into something from a child's dark fairytale.

 

Changes in warming patterns and weather have made it possible for pine beetles to thrive and kill the forest.   Only a hard freeze or logging operations can save it.  And maybe neither will.   The fire danger is extremely high, and present all over the mountain west.   Many favorite picnic areas and camping grounds are almost ghost-like, with chopped down trees and fallen trees.   It almost looks like a blast from a bomb or a force of nature ran over the forest.

 

I have had many times in my life full of devastation.  Times where chaos left its mark.  Often, we have no control over this chaos.   Things happen to us.    We stand like those great trees through all of the seasons of our lives.   Sometimes the seasons are harsh and bring us pain.   For a long time, I lived my life on the edge of this pain and chaos.   Waiting for more pain and chaos to come.   Fear was a constant companion.  Bipolar ripped through my life like an infestation and spread pain and disease.   I gave up for awhile and I let Bipolar and disease take me.  I died inside like that horrible gnarled forest.

 

But then I found my heart shaped tree in the middle of a forest of ghosts.  I found hope.  Hope is the only remedy for a life frozen by pain, fear and disease.   Hope is my heart shaped tree.

 

Hope saved me, and gave me the promise of tomorrow.  Of better things to come.  I look differently now at that picture of the heart shaped tree.    I see pain, but I see more beauty.    I see a gift inside of the chaos.   A reminder that hope will never leave us.  

 

Sometimes I still fear the unknown.   This is why I struggle with letting go and acceptance.   I don't always like my reality. I don't always want the hand I have been dealt in life.  But this heart shaped tree reminds me that I have a path to walk.  I may not always like the direction the path takes, but I can be assured that Hope is with me no matter where I go.  Even in the middle of chaos.

There is always Hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



What shade of normal are you?

Mental illness is getting a lot of press lately.  Unfortunately, most of this press coverage only paints a picture of mental illness as the face of a deranged killer.

Today, I would like to paint a different picture. 

The picture I want to paint shows that people with mental illness can and do recover.  We lead productive lives.   We contribute to society. 
I would like to share a Ted Talks video of Elyn Saks.   Elyn Saks is an Associate Dean and Orrin B. Evans Professor of Law, Psychology, and Psychiatry and the Behavioral Sciences at the University of Southern California Gould Law School.  She also happens to be a person who lives with mental illness.    Elyn Saks suffers from schizophrenia. 

She is very candid and frank in this video about her symptoms, and her struggles with her illness.  She is also frank about recovery, treatment and stigma.    I feel it is time to offer other examples of mental illness, to begin to paint a new picture of people who live with it.

What would happen if we begin to treat mental illness differently?   What if we accept it like any other illness?

Other illnesses used to be stigmatized.   Cancer used to be stigmatized.   It was only spoken about in whispers.  Hidden from the world.   Today, of course, cancer is seen differently.   It is an illness.   There is treatment for cancer.  People who have it are supported.  Survivors are revered.    Interestingly enough, cancer cells are present in all of our bodies.    They are 'normal'.   Sometimes, for reasons that are still not fully understood, the cancer cells multiply and become more prevalent in certain people.  

What if we thought of mental illness this way?   Maybe all illness is a spectrum.  The best way I can think of to describe a spectrum, is to think about color.   Light pink, medium pink and hot pink are all at different ends of the pink spectrum.   Light pink may seem different than hot pink.  But hot pink and light pink are in fact, both still pink.
If illness is a spectrum, maybe we all have a touch of it.   Maybe this means that illness is in fact part of 'normal'.   Illness is a normal part of life.     I am just as normal as you.    I am just a different shade of normal.  What shade of normal are you?

 

 

We can work together to make a difference.   We can change minds.  We can change perceptions.    We can end stigma.   

"Use the force Luke"

 

 

Ever have one of those days where you just feel trapped?  Or stuck?  You keep trying something and keep trying for a result, a sign, something?  And the answer is no, no, no, no?

I, unfortunately, am all too familiar with this feeling.   I also know why I am having this feeling.  I also know what I need to do to get out of this situation.  So, why don't I just do it then?   Who knows.   I certainly don't.

I feel trapped and stuck when I am trying to force a situation that is either not ready for me, or is just not the right path for me.  It begins like this:   I decide I want something.   Something that I do not have.  Usually this thing is something like a relationship, or a new job, or a move to a different area.  I keep trying to get this thing, even when I know that it isn't working.  Over and over, I experience those signs that what I want is not happening.   I know that I am trying to force this situation, because I can feel it.   But I keep trying to force it anyway.   And when it still doesn't work, I force harder and harder!
Eventually, I begin to get bitter.   I also get exhausted.   I think things like:  "I should've known that I wouldn't get this thing, because nothing good ever happens to me."   Or "I don't deserve to have this thing because I am not as good as everyone else who has it."   Then I seem to see everything this way.   All of my failures.   All of the lack in my life.   This sets me up for frustration.  Life becomes one big bummer.

The really crappy thing in all of this, is that I know that I am trying to force my way in life.   I know I am not allowing life to flow.   Just like that old saying "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

I have been able to let go in my life.   I have seen the magic that comes from surrender.   Gratitude.   Acceptance.

I guess I just like to wallow in misery and despair until I wear myself out.  I know how to use skills like DBT.   I know how to turn my mind toward acceptance of reality.  Over and over and over and over, until I accept.   I just sometimes don't want to!   I want to try to hold on to that thing I want so badly.  And it begins to corrupt my soul!   I can almost hear a creepy Gollum voice in my head "my precious, must have the precious".

I end up ignoring all of the wonderful gifts that I do have in my life.  I end up missing out on all of the wonderful individual moments that make up my life.  I can't see these gifts, or enjoy these moments, because all of my energy is spent on trying to push and force to just get that thing.  That thing that would just make all the difference.  Except, that it never does make the difference.  Because it can't.    I am the only thing that can make the difference.   I am the only one who can choose to be happy now.  In this present moment. 

DBT has made a huge difference in my life.   I hope to graduate out of the school of hard knocks by using DBT skills. I can't tell you how tired I am of those stupid, hard knocks.   Or am I?   Is that why this is so hard?   I guess I just need to keep practicing by turning my mind, over and over back to reality.   Focus on learning to handle my emotions.    And at looking at the judgment and perceptions that I place on things.    A majority of this struggle comes from meanings and judgments that I put on the events and situations in my life.
When I am really having a hard time, I often visit a website that is a treasure trove of DBT self help that fits probably almost every person.    You can visit that page by clicking here.
After spending a few minutes with this page, I usually begin to see either that I am putting my own spin on the reality in my life, or that I need to use some of those skills to put my emotions back into a more balanced place.  I am going to go spend some time doing that very thing right now.  I could use a new perspective.  And I probably need to put down my hammer.

For those of you who are not familiar with DBT, Professor Kat will explain it to you:

 

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D, as a treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.  DBT has been used to help many people with many different issues.

Dialectical is a fancy way of saying that this therapy teaches you to have a balance between many different scales.   Kind of like a teeter- totter.  So you can have a balance between always saying no with force, or never saying no.   It teaches you emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal skills.   It also teaches you how to practice mindfulness.  It has a lot of Zen type philosophy to it.

 

 

Thank you Professor Kat!  Man that guy is a know it all.



Cats as Life Coaches: message of the day

Here is your Life Coach Cat message of the day!

Get Ready to Surrender!  

Because life requires:

Slapped in the face....

It was a beautiful summer evening; one of those days you wish you could lock in a treasure chest so that you could open it up later on a cold night, just to remember...

It had been a long, but rewarding day.  She smiled at the warm summer evening sky and sat down to look at the evening's headlines.   All of a sudden, out of nowhere they came. They jumped on her, ripping her apart relentlessly with their sharp and ugly teeth....

 

Stigma, Prejudice and Misinformation!

 

The time is now!  

We need to break the pattern of Stigma.

 

So, it was a beautiful summer night, and I was reading the headlines, and I was attacked by stigma, prejudice and misinformation.  It was in an article that you can see here.  This article states: "now 6 months later, Americans are still debating gun control, how to keep schools safe and how to protect people from the dangerously mentally ill."  Really?

 

 



 

 

Thanks Stigma.   Thanks a lot.

The article goes on to state that the President wants "to bring mental illness out of the shadows" and that our Nation needs to take a look at mental health treatment and to "fix a broken system."  Now, I feel really exasperated.   This article makes some points that are true!  We do need to bring mental illness out the shadows.   And we do need to fix a broken system.   Why then, do they preface this information with a statement like "protect people from the dangerously mentally ill? 

 

 

Let's pretend that the article was about Influenza.   Let's also pretend that there was some prejudice and misinformation out there about influenza.  Maybe people believed that influenza was caused by poor and dirty people, and not germs.  So, the press writes an article to inform the public about influenza, and how it is spread.   They also suggest some changes in conditions that can help with the spread of the illness.  Maybe this imaginary article also contains information about how we need to look at poverty in our country, about how we need to build up the infrastructure, and make sure that everyone has access to water and soap.  So this is a very nice, informative article, until they slap in a sentence like:  Then we could protect society from the 'dangerous and dirty poor'.   How many people read past the word dangerous?  Do they keep reading to look for an answer?  Maybe some do, but I think that most would leave this article with the opinion that all poor people are dirty and dangerous, and solely responsible for influenza.

 

In an article addressing an appalling act of violence that calls for changes in public policy, how many people read down to the proposed changes, and how many people leave with the opinion that only the dangerously mentally ill are responsible for this violence?  Further, how many people read articles like this and believe that all violence is caused by mental illness, and only mental illness?  Misinformation and prejudice only create fear.  They do not help, they only hinder.   They will only cause more violence and harm.  Keep in mind that stigma is a major block to receiving mental health services.  

 

In my fury, I found another article from a blog by NIMH director Tom Insel.  You can read this article here.   Insel's blog article addresses the issue of violence and mental illness.   But it does it in an informative way that educates and calls for action.    Action like beefing up the studies for mental illness, for mapping the brain, for creating programs that actually work.  Here is an excerpt:

consider two inconvenient truths. First, while most violence has no relationship to mental illness, we must accept that some people with serious mental illness who are not treated can be violent, most often against themselves but also against others. Denial of a link between untreated serious mental illness and violence against self or others serves neither those with mental illness nor our larger society. Recognizing the link reminds us of the importance of early treatment for protecting people with illness, their families, and their communities. Second, we must recognize that although treatment is essential, for too many people, today’s treatments are not good enough.



Now that's the way to start a conversation about a tough issue!

 

 

When I read Insel's article, I don't feel like a crowd carrying pitchforks and fire are going to show up at my door and drive me out of town!   I am all for a national conversation about mental illness.  We do need to bring it out of the shadows, we do need to map the brain.  We do need to bring treatment for mental illness forward.  But we need to do this in a way that builds a bridge.  The misinformation needs to stop.

I had a really nice picture of a bridge.   I couldn't stop myself from including it!

 

 

 

We can all build this bridge.   We can do it by stepping out of the shadows.  By educating our communities about mental illness.  We can do it every day, in our daily lives.   Advocacy begins with us, and it begins at home.  Prejudice revels in the Unknown. 

There could not be a more perfect time.  I think our nation is ready to have this conversation.  I know I am. 

 

And now a message from our life coach cats:

 



 

Waking up is hard to do.

Ah, morning!  That beautiful time of day where the world is full of possibilities!

 

But not at my house!    My mornings look a lot more like this:

 

Let's face it:  Waking up with medication is hard to do!  Waking up for me feels like I am on the bottom of the ocean inside of a barrel, and I have to climb out of the barrel and swim up to the top.   I sometimes stagger around and bump into walls.   I also have a hard time organizing myself in the morning.  I have learned to do many things the night before.

 

Waking up was one of my biggest fears when I went back into the work world.  Could I do it?  Every Day?   Or would I be calling in all of the time because I couldn't wake up?  Back in my college days when I was undiagnosed and my bipolar was a very turbulent beast, I would live with deep, dark depression and his obnoxious friend, anxiety.   They would keep me up all night with their constant chatter about death and fear and heaviness, and I often would miss my 8:00 am classes.

I even failed some very easy classes because I simply did not attend.

 

Mania, of course, does not sleep.   So you are awake, and impervious to caring about sleep at all.  But with medication, I usually always sleep.  Just not as much with cycles of mania.

Most of the time, I feel like I could never get enough sleep.   Never.

By Friday, I can barely function.   On the weekends, I need to sleep forever to make up for the work week.   Sometimes on Friday nights, I go to bed at 8:30 or 9:00 pm and don't wake up until 10:00 am on Saturday morning.   And then, I need to have what I call "jammie time"  where I sit at and stare at he wall for a couple of hours until I feel coherent enough for the day.

 

This often puts a damper on friendships.   I will get invited to go do things by friends on weekends.  Usually in the mornings. I don't want to say: "sorry I can't go because I need to sleep in for hours and hours and then bump into walls for awhile and then stare at the walls while I pound coffee."   So, I usually say that I have plans, or I try to go.   Many times I need to schedule a vacation day if I have many weekend plans, or I just can't face the exhaustion of the work week.  I really need that 'jammie time" to recuperate. 

 

I guess that this is just one of the ways I have learned to adapt myself to the needs of my illness.  Sometimes, I feel bad that I need this time of recuperation.   I guess that's because sometimes, I feel bad that I have bipolar.

 

Most days, I am okay.   I put one medicated foot in front of the other and get out the door.

I am very grateful for coffee!

 

 

Good Morning Monday!  What do you have waiting for me today?