"Use the force Luke"

 

 

Ever have one of those days where you just feel trapped?  Or stuck?  You keep trying something and keep trying for a result, a sign, something?  And the answer is no, no, no, no?

I, unfortunately, am all too familiar with this feeling.   I also know why I am having this feeling.  I also know what I need to do to get out of this situation.  So, why don't I just do it then?   Who knows.   I certainly don't.

I feel trapped and stuck when I am trying to force a situation that is either not ready for me, or is just not the right path for me.  It begins like this:   I decide I want something.   Something that I do not have.  Usually this thing is something like a relationship, or a new job, or a move to a different area.  I keep trying to get this thing, even when I know that it isn't working.  Over and over, I experience those signs that what I want is not happening.   I know that I am trying to force this situation, because I can feel it.   But I keep trying to force it anyway.   And when it still doesn't work, I force harder and harder!
Eventually, I begin to get bitter.   I also get exhausted.   I think things like:  "I should've known that I wouldn't get this thing, because nothing good ever happens to me."   Or "I don't deserve to have this thing because I am not as good as everyone else who has it."   Then I seem to see everything this way.   All of my failures.   All of the lack in my life.   This sets me up for frustration.  Life becomes one big bummer.

The really crappy thing in all of this, is that I know that I am trying to force my way in life.   I know I am not allowing life to flow.   Just like that old saying "when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

I have been able to let go in my life.   I have seen the magic that comes from surrender.   Gratitude.   Acceptance.

I guess I just like to wallow in misery and despair until I wear myself out.  I know how to use skills like DBT.   I know how to turn my mind toward acceptance of reality.  Over and over and over and over, until I accept.   I just sometimes don't want to!   I want to try to hold on to that thing I want so badly.  And it begins to corrupt my soul!   I can almost hear a creepy Gollum voice in my head "my precious, must have the precious".

I end up ignoring all of the wonderful gifts that I do have in my life.  I end up missing out on all of the wonderful individual moments that make up my life.  I can't see these gifts, or enjoy these moments, because all of my energy is spent on trying to push and force to just get that thing.  That thing that would just make all the difference.  Except, that it never does make the difference.  Because it can't.    I am the only thing that can make the difference.   I am the only one who can choose to be happy now.  In this present moment. 

DBT has made a huge difference in my life.   I hope to graduate out of the school of hard knocks by using DBT skills. I can't tell you how tired I am of those stupid, hard knocks.   Or am I?   Is that why this is so hard?   I guess I just need to keep practicing by turning my mind, over and over back to reality.   Focus on learning to handle my emotions.    And at looking at the judgment and perceptions that I place on things.    A majority of this struggle comes from meanings and judgments that I put on the events and situations in my life.
When I am really having a hard time, I often visit a website that is a treasure trove of DBT self help that fits probably almost every person.    You can visit that page by clicking here.
After spending a few minutes with this page, I usually begin to see either that I am putting my own spin on the reality in my life, or that I need to use some of those skills to put my emotions back into a more balanced place.  I am going to go spend some time doing that very thing right now.  I could use a new perspective.  And I probably need to put down my hammer.

For those of you who are not familiar with DBT, Professor Kat will explain it to you:

 

DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and was developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D, as a treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.  DBT has been used to help many people with many different issues.

Dialectical is a fancy way of saying that this therapy teaches you to have a balance between many different scales.   Kind of like a teeter- totter.  So you can have a balance between always saying no with force, or never saying no.   It teaches you emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal skills.   It also teaches you how to practice mindfulness.  It has a lot of Zen type philosophy to it.

 

 

Thank you Professor Kat!  Man that guy is a know it all.