grey skies, bad days, hard moods...

Why, Why, Why do I hate myself so much?    It seems like I will be fine and dandy and then Bang, out of nowhere, I feel like a worthless piece of crap and spend all day hating myself, hating my life, and struggling just to put one foot in front of the other.  I feel this horrible grey mood move in on my soul.   It seems like the monster in a horror flick, just continuing to pursue me, even when I thought I was safe and had gotten away.  During these times, I feel fearful and uncertain.   I feel weighted down and sad.   I usually hate myself during these grey moods.

I feel this way even with medication and therapy and coping skills.    Some days I grow tired of feeling this way, and I have been searching for a cure for a large part of my adult life.   Some days seem like they are just a struggle, and that is the part that makes me want to scream "It's just not fair!"

I struggle to accept that I have feelings like this and that some days are hard.   In my new quest to be more mindful and to watch my judgment thoughts,  I am learning to give myself permission to be me.  Me with all of my insecurities, fears and self hatred.    Part of this permission includes the fact that I try as hard as I can to not feel this way, and sometimes, in spite of everything, I still feel this way.    And that is okay.

I struggle to accept the fact that I have to work really hard to maintain my wellness on these days.  It feels like trying to run a marathon uphill with weights tied to your limbs while facing 50 mph head winds.    I just want to give up and stop trying to fight.  But then, I remember that I can't give up.   I need to keep going for myself and for my family.

So what do I do with these hard days?    Well, tonight I am going to take a good long look at the thoughts swirling around in my head.   Where am I judging myself mercilessly?  What are the facts and what are the emotions?    Then I think I will distract myself with something fun.   Something opposite of the emotions that I am feeling.   I am feeling down, and hopeless and pointless and worthless.   So I might watch a comedy on television, or read an uplifting  story, or play a fun board game with my daughter. 

Finally, I will try to do a mindful activity, both because I said I would on this blog, and also because I know it will work.   I am going to do some yoga from my curvy yoga site that includes some loving kindness towards myself.   I really need all of the loving kindness I can find.   That can stop that horrible inner voice that seems to want to rip me to shreds.

It does bother me that I have to work hard to be well.   But, in reality, we all do.  Mental illness or no mental illness, everyone has bad days.   Everyone has times where they feel worthless, like they are just spinning their wheels for no reason.   Sometimes we all struggle to put one foot in front of the other.   At least, I can feel grateful that I know some coping skills that really work for me.   I can keep on trying out these skills when times are tough.   There will be blue skies ahead for me.   This funk, or bad mood time will pass, and the joy will come back into my life.  Until then, I will take each day as it comes, and work hard to change the things that I can.  I know the grey days can't last forever.

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Some days are just hard.

Sometimes you will have moods that don't want to yield.

These are the times to use your skills to keep going, and let the hope of a better tomorrow do the rest.

This too, shall pass.   There are better times ahead.

 

 

 

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I waited to write this part after I had done my mindfulness activity, to see if it helped to improve my mood.  It was hard to make myself participate in this activity.   Every fiber of my being did not want to do it.   I just wanted to give in to the hopeless feelings and dark mood.   But, as with most of my coping skills, I pushed myself to try something.   I wanted to see if it could make a difference, even on a very dark and hard day.

 

I decided to do the curvy yoga video segment on body love and loving kindness.   It is 30 minutes long and uses a chair for most of the poses.   I noticed several things while doing yoga.   I focused on what my body felt like and not what it looked like.    I breathed deep and did not push myself.   I also noticed that I felt uncomfortably full.   Today was rough.   I comforted myself in my usual way, with food.   For the first time, I feel too full.   I can see how that so called 'comfort' is just self punishment in disguise.   I never saw it that way before. 

 

After doing the yoga, my body feels much more relaxed and limber.    I feel like I dropped some of the stress I'd been carrying around.   My stomach feels over full, and I am not judging myself for that.   This was a new awareness for me - one that I needed to feel much more than to know.   I felt deep within my soul how much this was hurting me, instead of reading it, or knowing it on an intellectual level only.

 

My mood is still low, but the sadness feels much easier to deal with.  It feels less heavy, and it seems like it is easier to set it aside.    I am going to continue to be nice to myself.   I can feel that I am tired, and I am going to let myself rest.   Tomorrow is a brand new day!

 

My mindfulness today was like a light at the end of a tunnel.    It eased the darkness, it made me aware of things I could not see before, and it gave me the promise of hope.

 

 

 



The Power of And

It doesn't take much, just 2 or 3 upcoming changes in my life and I get afraid.   Afraid of the future and my place in the world.    I don't really know all of the reasons why I tend to do this, and I suppose it wouldn't really matter if I knew, because the reality is that I feel uncertain and down. 

 

I try to deal with these feelings in several ways, so that they don't get the best of me. 

First, I try to force myself to spend an equal amount of time thinking that things will work out great, as I do thinking that they will be horrible.    I tell myself that the future does not exist, so if I am going to put some worry thoughts out there, then I can also put some great thoughts out there.

I also try to ground myself in the present moment through an activity like meditation or yoga.   I will probably need to do both today, because I don't like myself very much today.  Spending time in the present moment usually helps me to get out of my slump and back into life.

I will also find something to do today, to get myself out of the house or busy.   The weekends are perfect for this, because I usually have a lot of house cleaning to do anyway, and I can play some fun music, clean the house and then maybe go to a convenience store for a pop after. 

I am also try to use the word 'and' instead of the word 'but'.   I heard this suggestion from a co-worker and it really does make me feel better.   I tend to like to kick myself for not being perfect.  So, if I am worrying about something, I will kick myself for worrying and not being more Zen.      So instead of saying " I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" or "I feel worried about the future, but I know what to do to feel better", I will change the but for the and.    Why?   The and opens doors.   The and lets you be you, will all of your imperfections and flaws.   The and gives you permission to be human. 

Let's  take those statements again.   If I tell myself "I feel worried about the future, but I know the future does not exist" , I am telling myself that I should not be worried about the future and that I am stupid and a failure for having these thoughts, especially when I know what to do to help myself.    This is judgment, and it makes me feel like crap.   

If I change that but to an and, then I have permission to hold both of these beliefs at one time, and that more accurately reflects reality.   " I feel worried about the future, and I know that the future does not yet exist"  or "I feel worried about he future and I know what to do to feel better" both give me permission to have my feelings.   They give me permission to be human and to know how to fix my mindset.   They make it acceptable to be myself and to have the feelings that I have without judgment.    And they help me to feel so much better.

So I am going to help myself out today by cleaning my house, relaxing, grounding myself in the present moment, and by changing by 'but' to 'and'.

Try using and in your life.   See if it makes a difference in how you feel and think about yourself and your life.

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

All of us wonder about the future sometimes.   Try to wonder both positive and negative if you are worried about the future.   Try to ground yourself in the now and put the future on a shelf.

One Day at a Time Mindfulness:

I sat for a moment this morning and just noticed the beauty of my surroundings.   I listened to the sounds outside on this cool and calm morning.    I noticed the sounds of my daughter playing and the sounds of my cats sleeping.    I have a beautiful life.  

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday Everyone!

I don't know about you, but I love to just relax and spend time with family on Friday night.   Tonight I am going to cook a nice dinner, put my feet up and maybe watch a movie with my daughter.

Part of staying well for me involves knowing when to leave work at the office.   Sometimes, this is easier said than done.   Our work lives can sometimes be stressful.   Office politics can be very hard to deal with and sometimes work can be full of changes and uncertainty.    I am lucky that I have a job that I love.   I have worked some places that I hated every minute, and couldn't wait to run out of the door.   I tend to over think things in my life, and I really have to watch it or I will work when I am at home, or just not leave work at work.

Fridays are my time to play and just let go of the work week stress.  What will you do with your Friday?

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Everyone needs time to play,

 

 

 

time to spend with friends and family,

 

and time to relax.

Make sure to set aside some time in your life just for fun!

Middle Beauty

I don't know about you, but when I am frustrated, upset or just annoyed I tend to vacillate between extremes.

I will have goals and work obsessively to meet them.   Then I will read that you can't force life, or I sense that I am forcing, and I let go of my goals to the extent that I no longer try and then kick my own butt for trying so hard and wanting to have goals in the first place.

Or I will feel like I really want something in my life that I do not have or want to change, and then feel guilty that I can't just like things the way that they are. 

What happens in these situations is that I bounce from one side to the other, and then feel guilty for having been to both sides.   I am trying to learn to walk in the middle.

 

 

What do I mean by the middle?   I mean that I can both work toward my goals and let go of the outcome of those goals.    I mean that I can want things that I do not have and yet be happy as I am right now in this moment.    I mean that I can want to change certain situations in my life and yet accept those situations as they are in my life right now.

 

This concept of the middle is new to me.    I have long yearned for balance in my life.   I've often known that I am out of whack.     I know that I tend to go back and forth between extremes.    I try to let go of things to the point of feeling guilty that I wanted them in the first place.   

 

I really like the middle, because it is a gentle and kind place to be.   For example, I can think things like:  I want to go to your party, and I also really need some sleep.    Or, I really like you a lot, and I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship.    This whole way of thinking allows me to be me.   It gives me permission to be myself as I truly am.

 

I am a human.   I am imperfect.    I like impermanent things.  I want things.   But, I also want to let go, I want to accept life as it is, and yet, I really want to change my life.   All of these things are okay.  I don't have to feel guilty for being me.

 

I am okay right now, just as I am, and I need to work hard to change.

 

And that is beauty.

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

We all have to find our own path in life.

Does your path give you permission to be yourself?

 

 

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

 

There are many changes coming in my life.   Some changes are easier to accept than others.   Some of these changes bring up thoughts of fear and scarcity within me.   I feel insecure and overlooked in the face of these changes.    I feel anxious.   My mindfulness for today was to put a stop to these thoughts and feelings within myself.   I stopped and checked the facts.   I described the facts verses my feelings about the facts.    I don't really know what is going to happen in the future, but I can stop myself from worrying thoughts that make me miserable today.

 

 

 





Bad Day Makeover

Do you ever just have one of those days?    Those days that leave you frustrated, and just make you feel like crying on the couch in your fat pants while you eat ice cream?   Usually, for me, those days are a series of either frustrating or hurtful events.

Today was one of those days for me.

Actually, this whole week has kind of been a series of challenging days.   Bad days used to throw me off course.  They used to just kind of fester in my mind, as I went over and over the events, feeling the hurts and stewing about the situations.  I would keep thinking about things, until I was lost in fear, or in my dire predictions of the future, based on my hurt and frustration.

Pretty soon, I would begin to feel worthless.   I would feel like I was failing at life, and just somehow not up to the task.   Of course, at times like this, everything in everyone else's life seems like a rosy path.   They all seem to be perfect, and perfectly happy people who handle everything beautifully and never have bad days, frustration, or messed up lives.

Soon, all of these thoughts about being less than everyone else, and a miserable failure and isolation would build up in me, and I would begin to feel depression creeping into my life.   My cup of frustration and anguish was full, so to speak, and any little drop, or tiny little event just would cause me to overflow.  Sometimes, I have even felt like I was falling off the end of the world, lost and alone.

 

I would feel upside down, like my world was off kilter and I was too tired and overwhelmed to get myself back on course.

 

 

I still have frustrating days.    I still really tend to take things and situations VERY, VERY PERSONALLY.    The frustration and hurt can build and build in me until I am like a whistling tea kettle ready to blow.   But things are beginning to change.    I notice signs in myself now, signs that tell me that I am going in a direction that I do not want to go.   I also have learned some new coping skills for dealing with this kind of frustration.    I still feel frustrated, and even hurt sometimes, but I do not feel like a failure.  I look at my perception of events more often, and I cheerlead myself by looking at another point of view, or telling myself that I am dealing with life the best that I can.

 

I also have increased my enjoyment of life in general by giving myself permission to be human.   By soothing myself when I have a bad day.   I rest if I need to.   I call a trusted friend or a loving family member if I need to talk to someone, or just need someone to listen.    I distract myself from the frustration and hurt by doing something fun or creative, or just relaxing by reading a book or watching a movie.    When I distract myself from my thoughts and feelings of frustration and hurt, I get some space and cushion from the pain of the situation.     After I get this cushion, things usually look better.    The hurt I was feeling seems to diminish.

 

I guess I am learning that life happens.    Life is frustrating sometimes, for everyone.   Sometimes people say and do hurtful things.   I am not alone in my frustration, my hurt, or even my feelings of somehow being less, or not measuring up somehow.   Everyone feels these feelings.  

 

I am learning how to give my bad days a makeover. 

 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Life Happens.

Bad Days Happen.

 

Sometimes you have to find a friend and get some support and understanding.

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

I was very frustrated today.   I knew I needed to do something before I began to feel overwhelmed.  I decided to use my mindfulness time to see if I could help myself to feel better and less frustrated.

I decided to focus all of my energy on what I was doing in that moment.   I was driving.   I drove one mindfully with all of my intent.   When a thought came into my head, I pushed it aside and focused on driving and on my five senses.   I thought about how the steering wheel felt in my hands, how the seat felt against my body.   I heard the song on the radio, and the sound of my car and the air conditioner as I drove.   I focused on the task at hand and kept my thoughts out.   I also made sure to take a couple of deep and soothing breaths.
I found that this really did help, even though it sounds pretty corny.   I felt much more calm and less emotional.   I got out of all of the buzz in my head and just drove and was fully present in that moment in time.

 

 

Watch your Language

Watch your language!   Mind your language!   How often have you heard that in your life?

For me, I mostly heard this when I said a cuss word at home or at school.   But how much of an impact does our language really have?   A lot!   A whole lot. 

Yesterday, I stumbled across this article about person first language for mental health disorders.  You can see the article by clicking here.

This article discusses the importance of person first language in terms of labeling ourselves with a mental illness.    I for one, have heard of person first language before.   In my day job, I am a peer support specialist.    I work for a community mental health center.   I work with people, who like me, have a mental illness.   These people, like me, are more than just a mental illness.   They are people first.    Members of a community.   Mothers, Fathers, Friends, Spouses, Siblings.   They are more than a label.  I know this person first language, and it was a part of my job training.   But how often do I catch myself, often when introducing myself at work as:  I am Bipolar?   Often.  

Saying that I am Bipolar began a long time ago for me.   Back when I was first diagnosed.  Bipolar really did define me then.   It does not define me now.   I see it as only a part of myself.   It is not the sum total of all of my parts.   So why do I still use the phrase:   I am Bipolar?     Habit.
But this is a habit that I need to break.    Especially in my job.    I want to model that Bipolar is not me.   It is just a label.   It is not my definition.  I am many things.   I am many wonderful things, and I also happen to have or live with Bipolar.    Bipolar is not my life.  It is a part of my life.  A small part.

So for all of you out there:   Watch your Language today.   Watch what you are saying about yourself.   About who you are.

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

You are an amazing being.   You are important to many people.

Why put a definition on yourself?

Use Person First Language with yourself.

You deserve it!

 

 

 

One Day at a time Mindfulness:

 

Today I had some frustrating events when I got home.  Things were not working like I wanted them to.   Usually, I get pretty grouchy when I am frustrated.   I sat down and breathed in and out up to the count of ten and then back down again before I dealt with my frustrations.   It helped me to feel calmer.

 

 

 

I also decided to eat dinner mindfully with my daughter.   I focused on the present moment using my five senses, and fully giving her all of my attention in that moment.   It was a nice dinner.   She is growing up before my eyes, and it gave me a chance to just enjoy that moment fully with her.   I also noticed that the food tasted marvelous, and that I ate less and felt satisfied earlier than normal.   All in all, it was one of my top meals of all time!

 



Resistance of Me

Yesterday I decided to begin a daily journey of mindfulness.  Why?  To save my life.

 

Inside of me there is a terrible woman.

She hates me.

She rips into me as much as she can.

 

 

I always knew she was there.   But I didn't realize how much until I began my mindfulness practice for the day.

 

 

Today, for my mindfulness practice, I decided to do some yoga from the Curvy Yoga website. I signed up for a monthly service that gives you two to three guided yoga sessions.   The one for July centered on loving-kindness towards yourself.

 

I first noticed my inner hatred when I watched a beginner video about modifications for yoga poses and moving the flesh for more comfort.   I have a book called Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.   This book goes through the same things as this video.   Yet, in the times I have done yoga, I have not tried these modifications.  Why?   Because I do not want to be fat.    I do not like or accept my body or myself as I am.   Maybe even on some level I want discomfort.

 

Today, I did the modifications.   They helped.   They gave me comfort.

 

 

In the video on loving-kindness towards yourself, we did several poses using a chair.    At first, I felt anger about this.   I can do down dog like any one else!   I can push and push until I am in that position, ignoring the pain.    I realized by doing it on a chair and going through that Curvy Yoga video that I have not been kind to my body.

 

Something happened to me during that video.    I was kind to myself and my body.  Reluctantly kind, if I am honest, but kind.   My body feels great, without pain or forcing myself into things that are too challenging.    Also, in the video, we contemplated or meditated upon a quotation about 'being myself in the world."     I wrote this quotation on my mirrors with a dry erase marker.    I want to remember those words when I heap judgment upon myself at the mirror.

 

I will revisit this yoga video throughout the month.   I need it.   It brought me to an awareness of the resistance inside of myself.   Resistance of Me.   Resistance of my body.   Resistance of the space my body fills.   Resistance to being kind to myself and my body.   

 

 

I did not realize this resistance was there to the extent that it is.   I feel stressed about this.   I have been working so long to accept myself as I am.   But, there is a subtle change within me, like a light has been turned on in a dark room.    I have an awareness.   That is a change.

 

One day at a time Mindfulness:

 

 

Today,  my mindfulness practice gave me a light.  This light was needed in a very dark place.   I now have a new awareness.  This awareness is uncomfortable, but necessary.  This awareness showed me something new about myself that I did not know. 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Get a new perspective.  Who knows what you might see!

 





One day at a time mindfulness

Mindfulness.    Mindfulness is mentioned often in healthcare.   Mindfulness is mentioned often in therapy and in wellness and recovery circles.  But how do you get it in this stressful world?

 

 

Most of the time, I feel like this.   Squeezed, or under pressure.    I feel tired from worry and strain.   I feel tired from medication, or from early morning hours during the work week.    I feel tired just from the responsibilities of life and from the crap I carry with me each day in my mind.   Exhausted.   Stressed.

 

How can mindfulness help?     How can I fit it into my schedule?     What is mindfulness anyway?

 

Mindfulness can be many things.  It doesn't have to take up a lot of time.   It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.   It can be done anywhere and anytime.

 

 

My definition of mindfulness is being in the present moment and not trying engaging with the crap I carry with me each day.   What I mean by crap is the stuff that goes on in my head most of the time.   Thoughts or feelings like:   I wonder if I am working hard enough at work?    Do I look super fat in this outfit?    Does this person hate me?    Why don't things work out for me?   Why am I a failure?   Why can't I keep my house perfect?    Are you sure you should be eating this?    Blah, Blah, Blah.....on it goes, a nonstop tirade, sometimes full of worry and self-abuse.

 

So how do you get into the present moment?    One of the easiest and most simple ways is to breathe.   Focus on your breath as it goes in and out of your body.   I will either count up to 10 and back down, like: breathing in one, breathing out one - and so on.   Or, I will focus on words, like: breathe in here and breathe out now.     The key is to have something repetitive to focus on, so that when you mind drifts, and it will, you can pull it back to either the numbers or words you have chosen.  I usually sit upright in a chair, with my back straight, my feet flat on the floor, and my hands resting on my legs.    I need to close my eyes, but you can also find something in the room to focus on.  And then, I breathe.   And focus.   Meditate.

 

 

Another way to get into the present moment is to observe something.   Really observe it, using all of your senses.

 

 

I will often do this with nature.   I think about what I am looking at and describe it using my senses.  For those few minutes, no other thoughts come in, and if they do, I push them out and go back to the object I am contemplating. 

 



 

 

I have also petted my cats mindfully.    This is pretty easy for me to do, and is also soothing because I think of how their fur feels, I hear them purring.   If they are on my lap, I can feel the warmth and pressure of their bodies, and sometimes, I can feel them purring.

 

 

I sometimes, will also do common household chores mindfully.    Like vacuuming, folding laundry or washing the dishes.    Again, I super focus on each task, and describe or observe that task by using all of my senses.

 

 

Yoga, is another way to be in the present moment.    Yoga actually has a whole spiritual philosophy surrounding it.   The poses are just one part of that.    I have been getting more and more interested in Yoga lately.    I like it because of the fact that when I am in a difficult pose, and breathing, I am definitely in the present moment.    The other reason I am getting more interested in Yoga, is because of the concept of body love and Yoga.

 

 

 

I have spent the majority of my life hating my body.   At times, I starved my body, and would exercise as much as possible.    I used to even pound myself in the hips to walk faster.  

 

Sometimes, I feel so fat and disgusting that I give up, and binge on whatever is around.   I had my first binge experience when I was eleven years old.   I ate dried stuffing, peanut butter and sugar.   It wasn't about the food, it was about escaping from that critic in my head that is always there kicking my butt.    The body love part of Yoga, helps me to escape from that same critic.   I just am able to escape in a more positive way.    I found a website the other day, while being mean to myself.   I was thinking about looking into a local Yoga place.   Then I thought, 'you are too fat for yoga, and they won't even let you in the door.'    So, to prove to myself how horrible and gross I am, I googled  this phrase:   "Can fat people do Yoga?"

 

I was expecting to find all kinds of mocking stuff about fat people and Yoga.   I was expecting to use this information against myself.   But I found only positive.   Funny how that happens sometimes.

I found a website called Curvy Yoga.    I spent the next several hours reading a blog on that site that explains the concepts of Yoga, and how they apply to body acceptance and body love.    I was never more grateful in my life.   I am getting tired of hating my body.   I am getting tired of hating myself.   I want to put down my bag of crap.    I am tired of carrying it with me every day.

 

So I am going to try an experiment.     I am going to try being mindful in some way, every day.  I am going to attempt one day at a time mindfulness.

 

 

I will let you know how it goes in my blog.     I have this little stress tracker on my computer from the App store.    I have been tracking my stress for a couple of weeks now.    I want to see if mindfulness really works.     I want to see if it brings down my stress, and really increases my contentment and joy with life.    I believe it will, because I have seen it work when I remember to use it.

Want to try it with me?

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

 

Try being mindful.    See if it works.

It certainly seems to work for cats!

 

 

   





A helping hand full of Shame, Blame and Scorn

I was looking at the news headlines today and saw an article about the shooting tragedy in Aurora.   The article was focused on the healing of the community one year later.  

This article had a link to another article about mental health and if it has improved one year later.
You can read that article by clicking here.

Colorado and several other states have begun to put money into their mental health system instead of decades of cuts.    Colorado was among the states that took Medicaid expansions.    Medicaid expansions come with the parity bill attached.    The parity bill states that healthcare for medical illness and healthcare for mental illness need to be equal.
But, remember that it took a tragedy to get these services.   Otherwise, it would be business as usual.  Cuts and more cuts, served with shame.

But what about states that did not take the Medicaid expansions?  What is mental health care like in those states?

My state did not take the Medicaid expansions.   My state thus did not have to follow the parity bill.  My state does not have to make treatment equal.   My state actually cut services for the mentally ill across the board.   How does this even remotely make sense?

What this means is that in states that accepted Medicaid expansions, they are only fixing services for mental health because they have to do that if they take the money.    In states that did not accept the Medicaid expansions at all, they are still cutting services.   So, in the United States, we will only help people who suffer from mental illness if the government makes us.    Nice.  And, people have to die before changes are made.  It takes tragedy.   Senseless murder.  

If you read that article, some of the things they are doing in states that did accept the Medicaid expansions are great.   For this, we can all thank SAMHSA.    Pamela Hyde is doing a fabulous job of heading SAMHSA.   Even in my state, where they did not even think about taking the money that would help us, they are going to train people throughout the state on Mental Health First Aid.    Mental Health First Aid is mentioned in the article.    It is a program that teaches a community about mental illness, so that they have facts and not misinformation.   It takes the unknown out of mental illness so that everyone can stop treating us like Boo Radley.   Thank you SAMHSA.

Near the bottom of this article, they get to the gun control issue.   And a helping hand full of Shame, Blame and Scorn.  What do I mean by this?  They still want us to feel shame for existing.   They still want us to accept the label of psycho killers.   They still want to pretend that the ONLY people who kill others are mentally ill.

 

If they can Shame us, they don't have to help us, unless they are forced to help us.

If they can Shame us, we will keep quiet.   We will not speak if our civil rights are violated.

 

 

My favorite part of the whole article is Florida.    Yes, Florida.   Apparently Florida just passed a law that if you VOLUNTARILY go in for mental health services, you surrender your gun rights.

 

 

Yes, you heard right.   

You can murder people in the streets because of their race in Florida.

But you can't have a gun if you go in for services for depression.

Wow.

 

Now, I don't own a gun.   Nor do I want to own a gun.   I am not a big gun fan.   But, I do not think it is right to strip an entire population of their rights.    Not all people with mental illness kill.   Florida's gun law does two things.    Number one, it spreads prejudice and stigma.  But hey, maybe that's how they roll in Florida.    Number two, they insure that NO ONE WILL GO IN FOR MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES IN FLORIDA.   So good luck with that one, Florida.  

 

Someday, it is my hope that we can receive great services for mental health, because that is what society should offer its citizens.   Someday, it is my hope that the helping hand isn't full of Shame, Blame and Scorn. Someday, it is my hope that we wake up to the reality of mental illness.  Mental illness is an illness like any other.   People can and do, recover.   But we need services.   Good Services.   Without stigma.    

 Mental illness is not our fault.    Mental illness is not a crime.  Wake up, people.

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Don't buy into the Stigma.  Believe in yourself.

 

Become an Advocate. 

Take mental illness out of the shadows.

You can advocate in many ways.   Social Media.   Blogs.   Face to Face.    It is harder to discriminate when you know the person behind the illness.    So let's make it harder for them to stigmatize us.  Educate and Inform.    Let people know.    We can make a difference.   Now is the time.

 

  



 

 

The Last Taboo

ta·boo  

/təˈbo͞o/

Noun A custom prohibiting or restricting a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing.

Adjective Prohibited or restricted by custom.

Verb Place under such prohibition. Mental illness is the last taboo.   This taboo makes prejudice and mistreatment acceptable and even socially desired. I have been watching a lot of movies and old television series on Netflix the last few days.   My daughter is sick, and I've been home from work.   It never ceases to amaze me how often mental illness is brought up in movies and in crime shows.  People with mental illness are often portrayed as villains. In crime shows, we are sought as perpetrators.   In science fiction thrillers we are an object of scorn and fear.  In horror movies, we are either the thing people are afraid of becoming, or the thing people are trying to escape.   People are afraid of us in these movies and television shows.   They are afraid to be around us, and they are equally afraid of becoming us. It is my belief that society needs mental illness to be taboo.   If it is taboo, then no one needs to bother themselves with learning about mental illness.   No one needs to care when "the mentally ill" are bussed from state to state an dumped like human garbage.   No one needs to care that the medical treatment for mental illness is substandard.   No one needs to care that people with mental illness die 20 years earlier than the average 'normal' person.   Really, making mental illness a taboo makes it easier for society.    No one needs to worry about how to help a villain.  As with most prejudice, this attitude of taboo comes from fear.   Society fears mental illness and the people who have it.   Don't believe me?   Think about how many movies follow the GASLIGHT formula.   Gaslight is a movie from 1944 staring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.  In this movie,  a man marries a woman to kill her for her inheritance.    He sets up an elaborate hoax including using medication, lighting and secret rooms to make her think that she is insane.   This movie and this idea is so popular in movies that the word 'gaslight' has become an urban slang term.  To 'gaslight' means that you make someone think that they are crazy or insane. The idea that you could lose your mind, or to lose touch with reality is frightening in these movies.  But equally frightening is the treatment that the characters receive.   The idea of being crazy conjures up straight jackets, chemical straight jackets, restraints, and being hospitalized and shut away from society.   These characters are often chased like criminals, and scorned for their behavior. Mental illness is feared.   The treatment that people receive for mental illness is feared.  The scorn and social stigma that people receive for mental illness is feared.    Mental illness is taboo.  As long as mental illness remains a taboo, then we don't have to deal with it.   We just have to fear it.   We just have to discard those who have it. And now for a word from our life coach cats:   Face your fears.   Learn about mental illness. End the taboo.

From Radical Denial to Radical Acceptance

 

 

This can't be happening to me.   This is not what  I want or need right now.  I am not going to accept this....

This is where I have spent my life.   I have spent so much time fighting with reality.   Refusing to accept my circumstances and my life situations.     I even spent over a decade denying that I had a mental illness.   

I put all of my energy into trying to change things that I couldn't possibly control or change.   I can't control the diseases that I inherit.   I can't control other people.   I can't control the weather, or the government or that sometimes, things just don't go my way.

Why is it that I think I am entitled to have life on my terms anyway?   No one else does.    It may seem like they do at the one moment in time I compare my life to theirs, but none of us has a rosy path in life.   We all have to deal with things and people and situations that we would rather not deal with.    This is just all part of normal, everyday life.

In the past, I used to just continue to fight reality.   Fight what was really happening in my life and hope that it would go away.   I tried avoiding.    I tried denying.    I tried ignoring.   Funny, the things I resist in life just don't go away because I want them to.   They sit there while I spin my wheels raging against them.   Then, once I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated, I open my eyes and see that these things that I don't want and can't seem to accept are still sitting there.   Waiting for me to deal with them.

I still spend time spinning my wheels in desperation, not wanting to accept certain people, situations and things in my life.   I just don't spend as much time.   I recognize more and more that there are things that I can change and things that I can't change.

I also know the magic of acceptance.    Really, acceptance is, in itself, change.    It is a change in me and my perceptions, and my actions.    Granted, I still can't change other people, or illnesses.  But I can change my reaction to these things by accepting them.    Acceptance does not mean becoming hopeless.   It does not mean giving up.   Acceptance means just acknowledging, without judgment, that these things, circumstances and people ARE.   They just ARE.

Acceptance means that I surrender my willfulness, not that I surrender my hope.   It means that I quit spending all of my energy in fighting a futile fight.   I can then have a chance to breathe, and to reframe things.   Maybe I reframe by thinking about things in a new way, or putting my energy into making an uncomfortable situation more tolerable.  Maybe I reframe by seeking meaning or purpose in my present circumstances.   Or, maybe I reframe by focusing on the things, people and circumstances in my life that are working.

Acceptance does not change the things that I don't like in my life, but it sure does change me.   Acceptance makes my life livable.   It allows me to keep my hope when things are rough.   Acceptance for me is magic.   I find myself using it more and more in my life.   I find myself using it earlier in my struggles.  Every time I use it, I grow more gentle with myself and with others.    Every time I use it, it gets easier.  Every time I use it, I feel stronger. 


And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

Acceptance seems harder than it is.

Acceptance is really like a gentle, reassuring hand. 

It tells you: you are enough and you have what it takes.

 

Sick Day

My daughter has been sick the past few days.   She has very high temperatures and I have been up most of the night checking on her.   

I used to feel guilty for missing work, or being sick.   Sometimes, if I am honest with myself, I still do.   I just don't know why I feel guilty.   Do I have some belief that I have to be perfect?   That I have to be constantly productive?    Do I believe that it isn't okay to be human, and to have human needs?

My job today is to take good care of my daughter, and to not kick my own butt for missing work.   It is impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and I need to be home for her.
I have no reason to feel guilt and shame.     I seem to grow in awareness of their constant presence in my life.   It is my hope, that I can notice them, find out why they are there, and then change my thinking so that they are not driving my life.   

So, the life coach cats and I are taking the day off to rest.  We need to all take care of ourselves.  And we can learn to take care of ourselves without feeling guilt and shame for doing so.

Have a great day everyone!

 

Take care of yourself.

Dishwater Miracles

I have spent a great deal of my life wishing it was different.  Daydreaming.    Imagining something better.   Resenting people who had what I wanted for myself.   Avoiding Reality.

Today, I am learning to accept what is, right now, right in this very moment.    At first, it was difficult.  I did not want to be who I am.   I did not want to live the life that I have.   I felt discomfort sitting with myself and my reality.   But, it seems to get easier each time.    I have to remember to not judge the moments of my life.    I try not to label things as good or as bad.   They just are.    Just like the coffee table in my living room, or the dresser in my bedroom.   They are not inherently good or bad, they just ARE.   The situations in my life can be that way too.   And so can I. 

I have lived my life behind a dirty window pane.    I have used this window pane to define myself, my life, my identity and the events in my life.    I am not really in reality, but inside of my perceptions, or my own dirty window pane filter.   I am not seeing things as they really are.   I have let certain things define me and my life experiences.    My diagnosis of bipolar disorder, my weight, my income, my job.   These things are not really me.   They do not make up the reality of me or of my life.   Ordinary moments make up the reality of my life.  And I am learning to tap into these ordinary moments more and more each day.

 

Have you ever noticed the beauty of ordinary things?

 

 

Hidden in each of our days, are treasures.    Miracles.    I used to think that miracles were extraordinary events.   But, I am learning that they are not.   For me, miracles can be as simple as changing my perceptions.   Or, doing the dishes.  

 

Have you ever washed the dishes mindfully?  Have you ever felt the smooth dishes as you hold them in your hands?    Have you ever noticed the steadiness of the floor beneath your feet as you stand at the sink,  the warmth of the water on your hands, the softness of the dishrag on your fingers?  Have you ever noticed the scent of the dishwater, or the way the light dances on the bubbles?  

 

Our ordinary life is beautiful.   Each day a treasure trove of tiny miracles.  When I wash those dishes mindfully and am immersed in the experience, there is no bipolar disorder.   There is no label, no stigma, no shame.   There is no pain.  There is just me, the dishwater and the dishes.    And, there is untold beauty and richness. 

 

Now don't get me wrong, I can't just do this every time I wash the dishes.   Sometimes I can't seem to escape the war in my head, and my list of things I have to do perfectly, or my list of perceived wrongs that seem to demand all of my attention.   Sometimes, I try to focus on just washing the dishes and can only seem to go back to focusing on my breath.   On these days, there seems to be a war waging in my brain and I am not in the present moment at all.  On these days, I only feel resentment that I don't own a dishwasher, or that I have too many dishes to wash.   I am in a place that doesn't really exist.   A place of my own making.   A combination of the past and future, yet not really real or tied to any reality.   This place does not feel very good to me, yet, I seem to spend a good portion of my life here. 

 

Or, I don't notice that I am even doing the dishes at all.   Some days, I find myself on autopilot.   I go through the motions of washing the dishes, but have no memory or awareness of doing the dishes at all.    I am lost in a sea of thought.   This sea of  thought is not always negative.   Sometimes, I am planning the future, or thinking about work.   Sometimes, I can't even remember what I was thinking of at all.

 

I have been to the present moment only fleetingly.    But, when I am really and truly PRESENT, I have seen such incredible beauty.   Beauty that is unimaginable.   Beauty in dishwater.   I know in those times that I have an incredible life.    And that the only thing I can even say is 'thank you'.  

 

I have heard this concept phrased in other ways.   When you want to escape from your ordinary life, think about what you would miss if it all was suddenly gone.   Would you miss the way your house sounds in the quiet of the morning hours?   Would you miss the sound of your children breathing?   Would you miss the crumbs on the kitchen floor?   Would you miss the purr of your cat, or the feeling of your dog's fur?   Would you miss the wind, or the smell of summer in the air?  

 

 

What would you miss?  

What are you not seeing in the ordinary moments?  

What miracles are there for you every single day?

 

 

When I think about life this way, I can see that I have truly been blessed with an amazing life.   It is not lacking in any way.  I no longer see what I think that I am missing.  I am no longer focused on any perceived lack in my life.  I am rooted in the present.   I am in touch with reality.   I am not lost in judgment.  I am not numb to life, missing my moments on autopilot.   I only see the beauty and miracles in my dishwater.

 

Now I just need to figure out how to be here more often.   So I keep practicing, in the hope that someday I will only see dishwater miracles.

 

 

And now for a word from our life coach cats:

 

What ordinary miracles can you find in your day?

What ordinary miracles can you find in yourself?