I spent many years of my life as a chameleon. I wasn't sure who I was, but I was real sure that I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. And just like everything else in my life, the more I tried to fit in, the more I didn't.
Funny how things work out that way. I got tired of being a chameleon after a while anyway. It got old in a hurry. I would change my opinions like the wind. I would pretend to like things I wasn't very interested in. I just got more and more lost. And I felt more and more alone. People can sense when you are not being yourself. It makes them uncomfortable.
My mood swings didn't help matters. When I was manic, I really didn't give a crap if people liked me or not, because EVERYBODY LOVED ME! I was amazing and funny and brilliant! The more I talked, the more people sort of backed away. And I kept moving forward. And they kept backing away. It didn't really work out.
When I was depressed, I just couldn't get myself out of the door to interact with people. Most of the time, I just barricaded myself in my house. If I did manage to get out the door, I didn't try to talk to people. I couldn't really keep up with conversation anyway. All of my energy was being spent on standing. Standing and Blinking were just about all I could do. I felt muddled. Cloudy.
Add into the equation that all of this was going on while I was in college. During that time of 'exploration'. The time when most people try on new things, when they find themselves. Discover who they are and what kind of interests they have. My main interest was 'how do I get out of bed everyday?' Or, 'how can I keep from laughing during class?' Once I was diagnosed, I went into a world of madness. I lost interest in finding who I was.
And then, years later, I was back in the flow of life. But I had no idea who I was. So I watched people. I watched to see if people liked them. Then I copied them. They were liked. I wanted so much to be liked. To fit in. But it didn't work. I still didn't fit in. And then I felt even more isolated and different. And, eventually I got tired of trying to be someone I wasn't. It was draining and taxing.
I also kind of surrendered for awhile. I thought "well, I just won't have friends then". I quit trying so hard. I also began to like myself a little more. And slowly, I began to meet people. People who knew me and liked me anyway! What a big surprise that was! I quit judging myself as much. And I probably relaxed. I also started spending time with cats. Cats really are amazing creatures. They really don't care if you like them or not. They are who they are, and they are totally going to do what they want to do, when they want to do it. They are amazing role models.
I have been practicing being myself more. This sounds weird, even to me. But I really do have to practice this. When you've spent your life changing like a chameleon, it is a big step to say what you really think. Especially if you are doing this in front of someone you really like, and really want them to like you back. I've learned through DBT to practice skills. Practice until it becomes second nature. So I keep on practicing being myself. Saying what I think. It really is liberating. Through this practice, the cat finally ate the chameleon.
I used to really worry that I had to fit in, or else I would become one of those 'crazy' cat ladies. Funny how life turns out. Cats have actually made me sane.
Rock on crazy cat lady! Rock on with your bad self!
And now a message from our Life Coach Cats:
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