Energy in the Stillness

Tonight I had a chance to meditate in a group for 30 minutes, and then to do a walking meditation for 10 minutes.  I wasn't sure that I could do it.

I meditate in the course of my job and I try to either meditate or practice some other sort of mindfulness at least once or more a day.    I am never able to meditate for very long when I do it on my own at home.

Tonight I went to a local yoga center that has a free meditation.   I was nervous to go.    I have been struggling lately with some mild depression.   When I feel depressed, I feel exhausted to my bones and my soul.   I feel like I don't want to socialize.   I feel separate from others and cut off from the world.   In short, I feel like crap.   I feel like crap physically, mentally and emotionally and spiritually and any other kind of 'ally' you can possibly think of.

I also had a very long day.   I went straight from work to the local NAMI in my area to attend a support group for family members of those who have mental illness and to set up the next family to family class that I co-facilitate in the fall.  That meeting went clear up to just a few minutes before the meditation session began.   I hesitated, and decided to go try it out, even though I was tired from my long day.

I completely enjoyed the meditation.    I wasn't sure I could do it for 30 minutes.    When they rang the gong to stop the session, I thought we had only done it for like maybe 10 minutes.    I was completely taken aback.   On my own, at home, I have only been able to meditate for 3 minutes at the most.   I was surprised that time passed so quickly.   I often had to bring my mind back to focus on my breath.   Sometimes, I had to focus on my body, where it was making contact with the cushion or the floor.    I would sometimes follow the path of my breath, and then have my awareness loosely on the sensations in my body, like the tingling in my feet or the numbness in my butt.   I was vaguely aware of my thoughts, but did not latch on to them.   I noticed what the thoughts were about, but did not judge myself for having thoughts, and did not judge the content of the thoughts as good or bad.

I was struck by the number of my thoughts that had to do with my insecurity with my self, or with my discomfort with being with myself as I am.   I thought about being fat in a room with mostly thin people.   I thought that I wasn't good enough.   I thought about work.   I thought about my daughter.  

I did not latch on to these thoughts, but it is interesting to note how many thoughts I have that are 'worry thoughts' about not being enough.   Oddly enough, these thoughts interfere with me just 'being'.    I don't allow myself to be myself.    I am usually in my waking moments lost in a torrential stream of negativity towards myself.    When I allowed myself to just 'be' without thinking or really doing anything, I found not only awareness, but a feeling of energy and what I can only describe as a kind of peace and joy, all at the same time.

I am awake later than normal right now, after a really long and jam-packed day.   My job can be very emotionally draining sometimes.   I am somewhat over extended by my volunteer commitments with the local NAMI.    I would expect to feel completely wrung out and totally sucked dry to my soul at this point.   But I don't.

I can feel that my body is tired, but my spirit feels at peace.   I feel content.   I feel energized, but not in a "I'm going to go home and deep clean the house and re-arrange all of my cabinets" kind of way.   I feel energized and refreshed in my emotions and spirit in the same way that I feel energized and renewed after a long deep sleep, or a nice relaxing vacation in the mountains or at the beach.  It's weird.   And not what I was expecting.

I did not have any major revelations or any big kind of experience.   I guess I just had 30 minutes of really just accepting myself as I am and being in the present and in reality as much as I could for those 30 minutes.   And for me, that is just what I needed to feel peaceful and content.

Meditation to me used to seem 'out there' and weird.   Stuff that real people just don't do.  But it really does work, and I really do feel better than I did earlier today.  Go figure!

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

We live in a world that is obsessed with 'doing'.   Sometimes it is helpful to just 'be'.

When we are still in our bodies and minds, we allow ourselves to be who we are.

When we are still in our bodies and minds, we are fully in the present moment.

When we allow ourselves to 'be', we gain energy that we need to 'do'.