Today I have to face an awkward situation. I want to run from this situation. I want my life to be different than it is. I don't want to face reality.
Reality can be a lonely road.
Sometimes, in the past, when I had to deal with unpleasant things or awkwardness, my answer was always to run. Run away and imagine something different. Pretend that things were not the way they really are. This approach did work in the short term. But it didn't work in the long term. In the long term, it leads to a loss of self worth. And sometimes feelings of shame. Shame for me always results in a return of Ed. Ed is my old enemy. His name is an acronym for eating disorder.
So my ways of short term coping in the past sort of set me up for a whirlpool of shame. I feel diminished when I run from something. In turn, I begin to feel shame. I engage in binge eating. Ed begins his abuse in my head. I feel more shame, and usually I begin to listen to Ed more. I give him control and power. Pretty soon, I am trapped in a spiral of shame, deprivation and binge eating. This road for me eventually leads to depression. Deep depression. And deep depression sets me up for more mania. And then life is not so easy anymore. Not that life ever really is easy, but it is a heck of a lot harder when you are trying to live it on a rollercoaster. And riding that rollercoaster with Ed screaming at you all the reasons why you are a loser.
The only thing that can help me through this situation is a set of skills that I have learned through DBT. DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy and it was originally created for borderline personality disorder. But it works for many things and many people. It is basically a set of coping skills designed to do two things: to help you accept reality, and to help you change the things that are not working in your life. That is where the fancy dancy word Dialectical comes in. Basically, you are balancing change and acceptance on the teeter-totter of your life. You use mindfulness to help you balance these two things.
The first step for me is to begin by accepting reality.
Not what I wish life was.
Not what I want my life to be. Just accepting what is.
Right here. Right now.
After I have accepted reality, I can deal with the emotions that are swirling around in the mx. Emotions for me sometimes seem like reality. And so do the judgments and perceptions that I attach to them. It helps me to gain some perspective on what is fact, and what is emotion. Once I have the facts, the emotions are not so turbulent, and I can become aware of my perceptions and judgments. So if I can't change a situation, I can change my reaction to that situation. I can get my emotions calmed down so that I can be in the right frame of mind to deal with life.
This frame of mind is called 'wise mind' in DBT circles. For me, wise mind allows me to face situations with intent. I think about what I need to do in the upcoming situation to be skillful and effective. Usually, this means that I sit down and think about the steps I need to take to ensure my safety and wellbeing. To protect myself from emotional harm. I am more able to do what I need to do, because I am not in a super emotional place. And, I am not running from reality. I am facing reality. I guess, I am sort of facing reality with style. With style and a whole lot of Zen.
And now a message from our life coach cats:
A little mindfulness can go a long way.
The situation my stay the same, but you can change how you perceive it and deal with it.
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