Resistance of Me

Yesterday I decided to begin a daily journey of mindfulness.  Why?  To save my life.

 

Inside of me there is a terrible woman.

She hates me.

She rips into me as much as she can.

 

 

I always knew she was there.   But I didn't realize how much until I began my mindfulness practice for the day.

 

 

Today, for my mindfulness practice, I decided to do some yoga from the Curvy Yoga website. I signed up for a monthly service that gives you two to three guided yoga sessions.   The one for July centered on loving-kindness towards yourself.

 

I first noticed my inner hatred when I watched a beginner video about modifications for yoga poses and moving the flesh for more comfort.   I have a book called Mega Yoga by Megan Garcia.   This book goes through the same things as this video.   Yet, in the times I have done yoga, I have not tried these modifications.  Why?   Because I do not want to be fat.    I do not like or accept my body or myself as I am.   Maybe even on some level I want discomfort.

 

Today, I did the modifications.   They helped.   They gave me comfort.

 

 

In the video on loving-kindness towards yourself, we did several poses using a chair.    At first, I felt anger about this.   I can do down dog like any one else!   I can push and push until I am in that position, ignoring the pain.    I realized by doing it on a chair and going through that Curvy Yoga video that I have not been kind to my body.

 

Something happened to me during that video.    I was kind to myself and my body.  Reluctantly kind, if I am honest, but kind.   My body feels great, without pain or forcing myself into things that are too challenging.    Also, in the video, we contemplated or meditated upon a quotation about 'being myself in the world."     I wrote this quotation on my mirrors with a dry erase marker.    I want to remember those words when I heap judgment upon myself at the mirror.

 

I will revisit this yoga video throughout the month.   I need it.   It brought me to an awareness of the resistance inside of myself.   Resistance of Me.   Resistance of my body.   Resistance of the space my body fills.   Resistance to being kind to myself and my body.   

 

 

I did not realize this resistance was there to the extent that it is.   I feel stressed about this.   I have been working so long to accept myself as I am.   But, there is a subtle change within me, like a light has been turned on in a dark room.    I have an awareness.   That is a change.

 

One day at a time Mindfulness:

 

 

Today,  my mindfulness practice gave me a light.  This light was needed in a very dark place.   I now have a new awareness.  This awareness is uncomfortable, but necessary.  This awareness showed me something new about myself that I did not know. 

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Get a new perspective.  Who knows what you might see!