The language of fiction...your 'wrong way' sign on the road of life.

 

 

Have you ever thought about what you say when you criticize yourself or others?    Do you speak in terms of absolutes?   Then your criticism is probably more fiction than fact.

If I am honest with myself, then I have to admit that I criticize myself most of the time.   I also criticize other people.   But I am a lot nicer to other people than I am to myself.    I am sure that most of us have criticized ourselves at one time or another.   But some people do this to excess.   I am one of those people.    I do not know if this has anything to do with mental illness.    I do know that mental illness, or at least the stigma of mental illness did not help my self esteem much.   I also know that I am an emotional and moody person.  But that is not necessarily due to my mental illness.

Could it be that I also have a personality disorder?   I don't really know.    To me, that is just another label that I do not need.   And for whatever reason, I have learned to cut myself down, or I just seem to do it naturally.   I may not always know why I do the things I do, but I do know what to do about it.   I know what tools I can use to change it.  

I do actively try to live a life of wellness.    I work on developing coping skills.   I work my own personal Wellness Recovery Action Plan.    I also use my DBT skills nearly every day.   I find them helpful.   They are like the map and compass I always needed and never had.   They are my way out of misery.

When I am in the midst of kicking myself in the butt for whatever reason, whether it is my appearance, or something hurtful that someone said, or maybe my performance at my job or in my life was not what I wanted it to be, whatever the reason for my tirade - there is one common truth.
I speak the language of fiction.    I speak the language of absolutes.

Here is an example.   Let's say that I am running behind schedule, or that I forgot my lunch.   Or maybe both.    I am upset that I am late and that I forgot my lunch.    Those things are facts.    But I will begin a tirade against myself that goes something like this:   I am NEVER organized.   I ALWAYS forget my lunch.    I am ALWAYS late.    I NEVER do ANYTHING  right.    Why do I ALWAYS  mess things up?

The only two facts were that I was behind schedule and that I forgot my lunch.   That is it.   If I was ALWAYS behind, I would not have a job.    If I ALWAYS forgot my lunch, I certainly would be a whole lot thinner.   If I really NEVER did anything right, I probably would not be living the life that I live.     I do mess up sometimes.   I do forget my lunch sometimes.   And I am late or behind schedule sometimes.   Just like everyone else.    I am also on time sometimes.   I am ahead of schedule sometimes.    I sometimes remember my lunch.    I sometimes do things very well.   I sometimes do things very wrong.     Those are the facts.

I am learning to check for this language of fiction,  both in my discussions with myself, and with other people.    In reality, there really are not very many absolutes when you are dealing with people.  We are too human to be always or never anything!   I may feel like "she ALWAYS yells at me" at that one moment in time, but when I think about it, it isn't really true.   Sometimes she may yell, sometimes she may not.    "He is NEVER on time, and he NEVER does what I ask him to do."  In reality, he may have been late a few times, and may not have done what I asked, but he was also on time some of the time and also did do what I asked some of the time.

For me, hearing this language in myself is like turning on the light in the room.    It lets me see what is in the room so that I don't stumble over it.    I can see and I can get to what I need.    If I know that I have lapsed into the language of fiction, I can sit down, catch my breath, and think about what skill or tool I can use to change my perception.   I can also do this when I am getting absolutes or criticism from another person.    It gives me a chance to think, and to separate fact from fiction.    To see reality verses my perception at that one moment in time of reality. 



Avoiding the use of this language of fiction helps me to have a better life.    I like myself more.   I like other people more.   I am more forgiving and understanding or myself and of others.    I feel like I have something to look forward to.   I feel like I have a life worth living.  I would rather have a life worth living than trying to kill my spirit with fiction.   I don't have time for the language of fiction.    I don't want to be in the business of feeding myself fiction all day long.

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

Take a long hard look at the language you are using for yourself and others.

If you see absolutes, you see fiction.

Stick to the facts.

Be fair to yourself.

Be fair to others.