Why, Why, Why do I hate myself so much? It seems like I will be fine and dandy and then Bang, out of nowhere, I feel like a worthless piece of crap and spend all day hating myself, hating my life, and struggling just to put one foot in front of the other. I feel this horrible grey mood move in on my soul. It seems like the monster in a horror flick, just continuing to pursue me, even when I thought I was safe and had gotten away. During these times, I feel fearful and uncertain. I feel weighted down and sad. I usually hate myself during these grey moods.
I feel this way even with medication and therapy and coping skills. Some days I grow tired of feeling this way, and I have been searching for a cure for a large part of my adult life. Some days seem like they are just a struggle, and that is the part that makes me want to scream "It's just not fair!"
I struggle to accept that I have feelings like this and that some days are hard. In my new quest to be more mindful and to watch my judgment thoughts, I am learning to give myself permission to be me. Me with all of my insecurities, fears and self hatred. Part of this permission includes the fact that I try as hard as I can to not feel this way, and sometimes, in spite of everything, I still feel this way. And that is okay.
I struggle to accept the fact that I have to work really hard to maintain my wellness on these days. It feels like trying to run a marathon uphill with weights tied to your limbs while facing 50 mph head winds. I just want to give up and stop trying to fight. But then, I remember that I can't give up. I need to keep going for myself and for my family.
So what do I do with these hard days? Well, tonight I am going to take a good long look at the thoughts swirling around in my head. Where am I judging myself mercilessly? What are the facts and what are the emotions? Then I think I will distract myself with something fun. Something opposite of the emotions that I am feeling. I am feeling down, and hopeless and pointless and worthless. So I might watch a comedy on television, or read an uplifting story, or play a fun board game with my daughter.
Finally, I will try to do a mindful activity, both because I said I would on this blog, and also because I know it will work. I am going to do some yoga from my curvy yoga site that includes some loving kindness towards myself. I really need all of the loving kindness I can find. That can stop that horrible inner voice that seems to want to rip me to shreds.
It does bother me that I have to work hard to be well. But, in reality, we all do. Mental illness or no mental illness, everyone has bad days. Everyone has times where they feel worthless, like they are just spinning their wheels for no reason. Sometimes we all struggle to put one foot in front of the other. At least, I can feel grateful that I know some coping skills that really work for me. I can keep on trying out these skills when times are tough. There will be blue skies ahead for me. This funk, or bad mood time will pass, and the joy will come back into my life. Until then, I will take each day as it comes, and work hard to change the things that I can. I know the grey days can't last forever.
And now for a message from our life coach cats:
Some days are just hard.
Sometimes you will have moods that don't want to yield.
These are the times to use your skills to keep going, and let the hope of a better tomorrow do the rest.
This too, shall pass. There are better times ahead.
One Day at a Time Mindfulness:
I waited to write this part after I had done my mindfulness activity, to see if it helped to improve my mood. It was hard to make myself participate in this activity. Every fiber of my being did not want to do it. I just wanted to give in to the hopeless feelings and dark mood. But, as with most of my coping skills, I pushed myself to try something. I wanted to see if it could make a difference, even on a very dark and hard day.
I decided to do the curvy yoga video segment on body love and loving kindness. It is 30 minutes long and uses a chair for most of the poses. I noticed several things while doing yoga. I focused on what my body felt like and not what it looked like. I breathed deep and did not push myself. I also noticed that I felt uncomfortably full. Today was rough. I comforted myself in my usual way, with food. For the first time, I feel too full. I can see how that so called 'comfort' is just self punishment in disguise. I never saw it that way before.
After doing the yoga, my body feels much more relaxed and limber. I feel like I dropped some of the stress I'd been carrying around. My stomach feels over full, and I am not judging myself for that. This was a new awareness for me - one that I needed to feel much more than to know. I felt deep within my soul how much this was hurting me, instead of reading it, or knowing it on an intellectual level only.
My mood is still low, but the sadness feels much easier to deal with. It feels less heavy, and it seems like it is easier to set it aside. I am going to continue to be nice to myself. I can feel that I am tired, and I am going to let myself rest. Tomorrow is a brand new day!
My mindfulness today was like a light at the end of a tunnel. It eased the darkness, it made me aware of things I could not see before, and it gave me the promise of hope.
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