I have spent a great deal of my life wishing it was different. Daydreaming. Imagining something better. Resenting people who had what I wanted for myself. Avoiding Reality.
Today, I am learning to accept what is, right now, right in this very moment. At first, it was difficult. I did not want to be who I am. I did not want to live the life that I have. I felt discomfort sitting with myself and my reality. But, it seems to get easier each time. I have to remember to not judge the moments of my life. I try not to label things as good or as bad. They just are. Just like the coffee table in my living room, or the dresser in my bedroom. They are not inherently good or bad, they just ARE. The situations in my life can be that way too. And so can I.I have lived my life behind a dirty window pane. I have used this window pane to define myself, my life, my identity and the events in my life. I am not really in reality, but inside of my perceptions, or my own dirty window pane filter. I am not seeing things as they really are. I have let certain things define me and my life experiences. My diagnosis of bipolar disorder, my weight, my income, my job. These things are not really me. They do not make up the reality of me or of my life. Ordinary moments make up the reality of my life. And I am learning to tap into these ordinary moments more and more each day.
Have you ever noticed the beauty of ordinary things?
Hidden in each of our days, are treasures. Miracles. I used to think that miracles were extraordinary events. But, I am learning that they are not. For me, miracles can be as simple as changing my perceptions. Or, doing the dishes.
Have you ever washed the dishes mindfully? Have you ever felt the smooth dishes as you hold them in your hands? Have you ever noticed the steadiness of the floor beneath your feet as you stand at the sink, the warmth of the water on your hands, the softness of the dishrag on your fingers? Have you ever noticed the scent of the dishwater, or the way the light dances on the bubbles?
Our ordinary life is beautiful. Each day a treasure trove of tiny miracles. When I wash those dishes mindfully and am immersed in the experience, there is no bipolar disorder. There is no label, no stigma, no shame. There is no pain. There is just me, the dishwater and the dishes. And, there is untold beauty and richness.
Now don't get me wrong, I can't just do this every time I wash the dishes. Sometimes I can't seem to escape the war in my head, and my list of things I have to do perfectly, or my list of perceived wrongs that seem to demand all of my attention. Sometimes, I try to focus on just washing the dishes and can only seem to go back to focusing on my breath. On these days, there seems to be a war waging in my brain and I am not in the present moment at all. On these days, I only feel resentment that I don't own a dishwasher, or that I have too many dishes to wash. I am in a place that doesn't really exist. A place of my own making. A combination of the past and future, yet not really real or tied to any reality. This place does not feel very good to me, yet, I seem to spend a good portion of my life here.
Or, I don't notice that I am even doing the dishes at all. Some days, I find myself on autopilot. I go through the motions of washing the dishes, but have no memory or awareness of doing the dishes at all. I am lost in a sea of thought. This sea of thought is not always negative. Sometimes, I am planning the future, or thinking about work. Sometimes, I can't even remember what I was thinking of at all.
I have been to the present moment only fleetingly. But, when I am really and truly PRESENT, I have seen such incredible beauty. Beauty that is unimaginable. Beauty in dishwater. I know in those times that I have an incredible life. And that the only thing I can even say is 'thank you'.
I have heard this concept phrased in other ways. When you want to escape from your ordinary life, think about what you would miss if it all was suddenly gone. Would you miss the way your house sounds in the quiet of the morning hours? Would you miss the sound of your children breathing? Would you miss the crumbs on the kitchen floor? Would you miss the purr of your cat, or the feeling of your dog's fur? Would you miss the wind, or the smell of summer in the air?
What would you miss?
What are you not seeing in the ordinary moments?
What miracles are there for you every single day?
When I think about life this way, I can see that I have truly been blessed with an amazing life. It is not lacking in any way. I no longer see what I think that I am missing. I am no longer focused on any perceived lack in my life. I am rooted in the present. I am in touch with reality. I am not lost in judgment. I am not numb to life, missing my moments on autopilot. I only see the beauty and miracles in my dishwater.
Now I just need to figure out how to be here more often. So I keep practicing, in the hope that someday I will only see dishwater miracles.
And now for a word from our life coach cats:
What ordinary miracles can you find in your day?
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