Living the High and Low Life: bipolar and me: The Power of You

Be yourself. Just be you.

How often have you heard those phrases?    We often tell children when they are nervous about making friends to "just be yourself."   But how many of us really are just ourselves?     And what if part of what makes up 'you' is a label?    What if part of 'you' is a disabling condition?     How do you reconcile the social stigma of a disability with 'you'?

My first approach was to lose myself.   I lost my identity to a label.    Then I found myself again, and then lost my label.   But I didn't really lose my label.   The label was still stuck on me, but I went to great lengths to ignore it and pretend that it didn't exist.    "What label?   What are you talking about?   What is mental illness?    What is bipolar disorder?   I don't know what you mean."

I guess that I didn't really find myself that way.   I only found the part of myself that was not mentally ill.   I only wanted to find the part of myself that was 'normal'.   So I didn't really find myself.   I found a version of myself.   But not the truth.    Not the real me.

I couldn't find myself until I accepted myself.   Accepted that sometimes I have needed help.   I have gone in for services.   THERAPY.     I need medication to live the life that I live.   I need medication to be 'normal'.    And even then, I am not really 'normal'.    Sometimes, I have boundless energy and I have a hard time sleeping.   My thoughts race through my mind and I can't catch them enough to form a plan, or read a book.    Sometimes I experience amazing clarity and understanding.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I don't want to get out of bed.   Sometimes I feel no joy in my soul.   Sometimes, I even feel numb and muddled.    I can't think and can't seem to find the energy to get up and get going.

Bipolar illness is not me.    It is not my definition.    It is not the sum total of my life.   But, if I am honest with myself and with you, it is a part of my life.   It is a part of me.   It is a part of my reality.

Here is a TED talks video of Caroline Casey.   She does not have a mental illness.   She has a different disability.   She also has an amazing vision of disabilities and humanity.   The video is less than 20 minutes.    I hope you watch it.   It is very powerful.   And after you watch it, you will see that you are powerful too.