Tell Ed and the Hag to shut up and get out!

 

 

Ever been mean to yourself?   I sure have.   I have even surpassed mean and gone straight to abusive.

Anything can set it off.   A television commercial.   A movie.   A reflection in the mirror.   The look on someone's face.  The attack can go on for days, and even months.    If left unchecked, this can turn into an episode of depression.  

 

I don't really know why I tend to do this to myself.    Is it because of bipolar?   My childhood?   Or is it just my personality?   Maybe it is some combination of all of these things.   But for whatever reason, I seem to want to rip into myself and tear myself apart.

 

Most of the self abuse centers around my weight, or my performance on the job.   If left unchecked, this abuse will turn into episodes of shame and usually binge eating.

 

This is something I am working very hard to correct in my life.    Recently, I read a book that really helped me.    It is called Life without Ed; How one woman declared Independence against her eating disorder and how you can too, by Jenni Schaefer.  In this book, Jenni begins to think of her eating disorder as a man.   He is an abusive man, and his name is Ed.  As in, E.D. for eating disorder.   Ed is really a creep.   He cuts her down every day and tells her what to eat.  Sometimes he won't let her eat for days and sometimes he makes her eat everything.

 

I loved the idea of thinking of my struggle with eating this way.   I hate Ed.   He is a giant ass.   I am so ready to kick him to the curb and walk away.   I have had a long relationship with Ed.   He came into my life when I was 11 years old.    He has tortured me every day since. He likes to tell me how ugly and fat I am.   He likes to tell me to not buy food that I like.  He also tells me to eat things I don't want to eat.   He tells me that I can never be loved.

 

Ed isn't the only one who is abusive.   Along with Ed is his gal pal Hag.    Hag stands for Horrible, Arrogant Gertrude.    She likes to tell me that I am not good enough.   That I do substandard work.  That everyone hates me.   She is always on me to try harder, to do better.   Between Ed and Hag, most of the time, I am just plain worn out.   And scared.    I sometimes don't want to go anywhere, or meet any new people. 

 

But that is beginning to change.

 

I have a new perspective.

The idea of thinking of this constant criticism inside of me as people really worked for me.   I stole the idea of Ed from Jenni's book, but I named Hag all on my own.   She is the perfectionist in me.  Both Ed and Hag are terrible people.   If they were real people, I would not have them in my life. 

 

And for me, that has been the key.   

 

 

I tell Ed and Hag to shut up several times a day.   And, it works.    I also leave myself kind notes.   Dry erase markers work very well on mirrors.   I write myself 'love notes' on my mirrors.   It seems really odd, but I have really needed to do this.   I have spent most of my life with Ed and Hag.   It takes effort to keep them out.   And it is so worth it!  

 

Some days are better than others, but I have made more progress than ever before in my life.   So thank you Jenni for your amazing book.   It is changing my life!

 

 

And now for a message from our life coach cats:

 

 

You are a thing of beauty!